Holidays at Hellsing
by Candra de Innocentia
Summary: From New Year's to Christmas, with a few birthdays in between. I've worked hard to keep people in character. I take requests! AxI and SxP Read and Review please! No flames : T-rated just because : I know I promised Guy Fawke's Day, but its Halloween part
1. New Year's Eve

**New Years**

Integra twiddled the pen in her hand for a moment before leaning over the paper on her desk and quickly writing out her New Year's goals that the Council of Twelve insisted upon having

_1. Kill all FREAKS at large_

_2.Kill FREAK manufacturer and shut down all productions of FREAK chip_

_3.Survive budget cuts_

_4._ _Serve her Majesty the Queen to the best of my abilities_

After a moment she added with a twisted smirk on her face

_5.House-train the Wild Geese_

It was something she really needed to get to. No matter how many times she'd dispatched Walter to keep them in their bunkers, or at least out of the mansion, they always managed to find a way in and wreak havoc on her home. But she feared what would become of them if she sent Alucard to take care of it. Her vampiric servant was a bit...rough in his methods. Sir Integra sighed and ran a hand through her long, pale golden hair, tousling it in a much more relaxed way than her demeanor usually allowed. It was New Year's Eve, and since last year when they'd had to shut down a big bunch of partying vampires led by an extremely drunk werewolf, they'd had no problems around this time of year. Alucard had been particularly brutal because of the fact that the werewolf leader hadn't been scared, nor had it fought back. Not that she was complaining. It was in his nature. Five-hundred years of being hunted, hated, and alone with his own sadistic thoughts had let insanity spread throughout the far reaches of his mind like black mold.

Carefully, she folded the bit of periwinkle parchment into a thick envelope and sealed it, then she removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes. It was a slow night, no activity, perhaps she could just go to bed now. The notion was alien to her, going to bed early, but it also made her feel warm and comfy. Bed. Yes. Integra slipped her glasses back on and stood, stretching her arms up to the ceiling, curling her hands into fists and letting her head loll back on her shoulders. She was just about to allow herself the smallest of smiles when there was a loud sound from downstairs, the sound of breaking glass, and a roaring chorus of laughter in reply. Integra's face hardened again and she receded from her stretch with a groan. It was the Wild Geese again. Walter's voice suddenly rose above the din, but the wave of voices rose and crashed over him, and a squeak that sounded like Seras Victoria was dragged under with him.

Perhaps she'd have to call Alucard...no sooner had she thought this than the red-clad vampire poked his head out of the wall beside her desk, fangs bared in a grin. His crimson eyes glittered as he chuckled and said, "Master, you simply _must_bring yourself downstairs! To enjoy the festivities." Integra bristled and demanded, "Alucard, _what_is going on down there?" This time he laughed out loud, a deep, dark laugh that rumbled in his chest before chilling the air. "My Master, this is truly something you must see with your own eyes." Before she could retort the Wild Geese roared again, though this time the voices seemed to be swaying to some kind of tune. Alucard smirked and said, "I am going to observe the party. I suggest you do the same. Who knew- but no, I won't spoil it for you. Come Master..." and he faded back into the wall. The raucous singing's volume increased tenfold, and with a muttered curse Integra stepped briskly over to the door, pulled it open, and peered over the banister to the floor below.

The Wild Geese were perched precariously all over the chairs in the unused family room, a few sprawled out on the floor, and of course, their captain, Pip Bernadette, standing on the coffee table with a frothing mug in his hands. What was that they were singing? The words were so loud with such odd accents that at first, Integra couldn't tell. But when she heard it, she pinched the bridge of her nose with a forefinger and thumb, and resisted the urge to go back to her office for a cigar.

_There's a garden, what a garden  
Only happy faces bloom there  
And there's never any room  
For a worry or a gloom  
There's music, and there's dancing  
And a lot of sweet romancing  
When they play the polka  
They all get in the swing  
Everytime you hear that Oom-pah-pah  
Everbody feels so tra-la-la-la  
They only want to come back for one thing  
They crowd around and sing trolly-olly-ay  
And you hear that rumble on the floor  
It's a big, HA HA HA HA, surprise you're waiting for  
Then all at once everybody, everybody, forms a ring  
For miles around, you'll hear them sing _

_Roll out the barrel, We'll have a barrel of strong rum  
Roll out the barrel, we've got the blues on the run  
Zing Boom Terrara_

_Join in a glass of good cheer  
Now it's time to roll out the beer  
For the gang's all here _

_Take it away boys!_

And Captain Bernadette took a hearty swig of beer, nearly falling back off the table if it weren't for the men that pushed him back up. As Integra made her way down the grand staircase, she saw that Walter was watching from the safety of the dining room with an identical expression on his face as herself. One of annoyance, disgust, and the faintest hint of amusement. She glanced up to where the butler's gaze was resting, and scowled at Alucard, sitting cross-legged upside down on the ceiling, his hat swaying on the chandelier. But she'd heard Seras, where was the fledgling?

"Maaaster! Put me dowwwn!!"

"As you wish, police-girl."

Integra stiffened again as the only other vampire under her command dropped through the ceiling. The petite blond woman was screaming, fangs bared, pale red eyes wide, as she plunged down toward the Wild Geese. A soldier stumbled back to catch the draculina and bumped into the television set. The scene on the screen changed from a bar fight to a gigantic city filled with people in a square. There was a large, pixely screen on a tower that had blaring letters **HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!!**Seras stopped falling just above Pip's outstretched fingers as Alucard looked at the screen, mildly interested. There was a large, crystal-looking ball on a smaller tower, and it was slowly dropping. A young man flashed on screen in a studio overlooking the screaming crowd, and said, "Well, as you can see, there's only half an hour left until the new year! It's time to get your resolutions ready! I wanna lose some weight, you know. Maybe start workin' out some more," he comically flexed his bicep as a joke. The Wild Geese booed, but looked more interested as the ball came back on screen. "I heard about this," one of them slurred, "Takes place in America or summat, New York. When that ball reaches the bottom-" Integra sighed and shook her head sadly in unison with Walter as the Geese laughed at the words 'ball' and 'bottom'. "-When the ball reaches the bottom," more snickers, "then it's happy new year!"

Alucard seemed to consider this carefully before smiling fiendishly, "That sounds like a good idea. Police-girl!"

Seras Victoria seemed on the verge of frustrated tears, she squirmed fruitlessly as Alucard levitated her with some unseen power. Suddenly, she zoomed up about another foot and a half and began to drop at the same pace as the ball on screen.

"When the ball reaches the bottom..." Alucard snickered. The Wild Geese, drunk as they were, took a moment to catch on, but when they did they roared and burst out into another chorus of Roll Out the Barrel. Alucard looked over at Integra and laughed, "Didn't I tell you you'd be entertained?"

Sir Integra crossed her arms across her chest and replied tersely, "That makes only you, Servant. Put Seras down."

"All in good time Master."

"Sir! Walter! Help meee!!" Seras yelped as she dropped another few inches. A soldier leaped up, spattering beer from the mug in his hand, and his fingertips grazed Seras's arm, making her squeak and flinch back. Pip pushed him on his way, making him topple over the couch, and he growled, "She eez mine, ladz!"

Walter looked at Integra bemusedly and asked, "Perhaps we should do something? This certainly is a far-cry from what we're used to around here, Sir." Integra paused in glaring venomously at Alucard and asked, "What do you mean by that? Of course, we never end up with situations like this," she gestured at the crowd, "But a far-cry? What would you expect on new year's eve, Walter?"

Walter looked a little taken aback at her challenging tone, but Sir Integra did not take kindly to having an early bedtime snatched away from her, and was cranky. He replied evenly, "Well...I suppose something a bit like this actually. Just a bit less booze...and not as many ruffians such as the Geese...and Seras would certainly not be dangling from the ceiling." The butler gave a decisive, brisk, nod and played cat's cradle with his piano-wire. Integra shook her head and straightened her blue cravat, twisting the little bronze cross on the knot. Walter thought she was boring did he? She'd show him. Integra had inherited Aurthur Hellsing's stubbornness. Not that she would admit it, she was too stubborn to.

And so the clock ticked on. Seras stiffened as Pip stood on his tip-toes and swayed drunkenly as he reached for her. The young man came back on the TV screen and screamed above the crowd, he was no longer in the studio. "We have one more minute in the new year's countdown!" a few seconds passed, and he held up five fingers and chanted with the crowd,

"FIVE!"

Seras dropped an inch lower

"FOUR!"

The Wild Geese downed booze like crazy and leaped for Seras

"THREE!"

The Wild Geese chanted with the television, throwing their fists into the air and turning up the volume on the TV

"TWO!"

Alucard gave a booming laugh and leaped down from the ceiling, falling through the floor and startling Integra by sliding up through the floor by her side, Seras plummeted into Pip's waiting arms

"ONE!"

Alucard suddenly grabbed Integra, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her close, and planted his lips firmly upon her own

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!!" The Wild Geese cheered. Seras squealed from the thick of the group, and they started sobering up and yelping as her fingers flicked every bit of them she could reach. Walter pushed up his sleeves and stalked forward, ready to serve as reinforcements. Integra was still in Alucard's arms. She had responded and the kiss had drawn out. The Sir reached up and lightly touched the side of her vampire servant's face, making his blood red eyes glitter. She felt his fangs against her upper lip, but they were retracted and didn't cut her. He was so cold, so very cold. But every inch of her was numb anyway, she felt as light as a cloud.

But the room suddenly sounded eerily quiet, and Integra suddenly felt the eyes of Walter, Seras, and the Wild Geese burning into her. Slipping her hand down Alucard's neck and down his chest, she slid her hand into his red long coat, into an inner pocket. A silent messege passed from icy blue eyes to glowing crimson, and she felt Alucard's arm tighten around her waist, as if he didn't want to let go. Then, in the blink of an eye, Sir Integra snatched Alucard's jet black Jackal and shot him in the temple, spattering brain-matter everywhere. But none of it touched her. Alucard made sure to keep his gore off his beloved Master, not that any of the dumbstruck observers noticed.

With a roar, Integra shot Alucard in the face again, and as he took off, she followed him, half-heartedly exhausting the Jackal's rounds. After the two of them had vanished up the grand staircase, Walter cleared his throat awkwardly and watched as Alucard's brain-stuff slid away to join the rest of his body; then he shuffled away with a deeply bemused expression on his face. Seras Victoria stared at the wall for a while, the Wild Geese behind her, then she shook her head like she had a water-bubble in her ear and wandered off with a little smile on her face. Pip turned to his mates and rubbed some froth from the side of his mug awkwardly. "Vell," he said, "I guezz zat's zat zen. Eh..." His crew looked at him uncertainly, some of them gazed into their tankards longingly, others glanced back at the television, now depicting a New Year's Party. Pip walked around the couch and pushed a button on the remote. The Wild Geese sighed disappointedly, but then a music video blared on the screen and Pip took another hearty swig from his mug. He'd grabbed a bottle of beer off the floor and swigged that too. "Ve are vaking up vith a hangover tomorrow, men," he cried, "So let us make it a big vun! Vun ve shall live to regret for days!"

"YEA!" The Wild Geese replied, clunking their mugs together. And with that, they all un-sobered up and continued drinking their booze. They burst into yet another chorus of Roll Out the Barrel.

_There's a garden, what a garden  
Only happy faces bloom there  
And there's never any room  
For a worry or a gloom_

_There's music, and there's dancing  
And a lot of sweet romancing  
When they play the polka  
They all get in the swing_

_Everytime you hear that Oom-pah-pah  
Everbody feels so tra-la-la-la  
They only want to come back for one thing  
They crowd around and sing trolly-olly-ay_

_And you hear that rumble on the floor  
It's a big, HA HA HA HA, surprise you're waiting for  
Then all at once everybody, everybody, forms a ring  
For miles around, you'll hear them sing _

_Roll out the barrel, We'll have a barrel of rum  
Roll out the barrel, we've got the blues on the run  
Zing Boom Terrara  
Join in a glass of good cheer  
Now it's time to roll out the beer  
For the gang's all here_

roll out the barrel is not my song, its some pub song i found. love it, live it, learn it. I adjusted a few words to suit the Geese's drunken rambles. Its actually "We'll have a barrel of fun" "Now it's time to roll out the barrel" just to clarify. Reviews please! I've tried as hard as I can, maybe, to keep ppl in character, but it's hard for the ideas my strange mind come up with. Pretty please, I take requests, they don't have to be holidays, mind you! I don't do AxS, but I do do PxS. I also **adore **AxI in any form. I'll use all requests, so don't be shy. No flames please! hope you enjoyed!


	2. Groundhog's Day

I don't own hellsing. This is purely for entertainment purposes. No money is being made from this. I'm sorry if I offended anyone by not putting this in the first chapter. But I'm feeling lazy right now, and a bird just hit my window.

**Groundhog Day**

Seras sat curled up on the couch like a fluffy kitten, her legs drawn up to her chest and her arms encircling them. A blistering wind spiked with sleet pounded at the window, screaming to be let it, making the young vampiress jump. She shook her head and settled down again as some commercial for bleach flicked off. A burly man wearing a shiny green rain slicker over a poofy black coat was crying into his microphone in front of a platform, "So we have Willard Groundhog here today in Park's Square. And you know the drill, if he sees his shadow, that's six more weeks of winter. And if he doesn't!" he turned to the crowd behind them and they screamed, "SPRING IS HERE!" Seras stifled a toothy yawn and pinched herself to keep awake. Vampires aren't made to be up in the middle of the day, it's against every natural instinct they posses. But Seras Victoria still had a desperate clutch on her humanity, and this was just one more thing she could do to prove that she wasn't a monster, like her master Alucard.

Speaking of Alucard, he suddenly had the back of the couch in an iron grip and was snarling quietly, "Police-girl...what are you doing? It's the middle of the day. You should be in your coffin."

Seras squeaked and rolled off the couch in her hurry to face the red-clad vampire. But she peeped cheerfully from the floor, "I _had_ to see the groundhog, Master! If he sees his shadow, that's six more weeks of winter, and I'm bloody sick of winter!"

Alucard raised an eyebrow. He rather enjoyed winter, the wind tearing through clothing like ravenous wolves, the cold piercing skin like so many needles. As a vampire, he didn't feel the cold. He loved the cold. Snow was also something entertaining as well, perfect projectiles when shaped right, and easily made into any shape he chose. He'd packed his coffin with snow more than once, carefully scraping out the ice his presence had turned it to. Seras scrambled back up on the couch with a stifled yawn and looked up at him with big, pleading pink eyes. "Pleease Master! Pleeeease let me see the groundhog! I couldn't stand it if there were more winter!" Alucard relaxed his grip on the couch and smiled devilishly, he had a marvelous idea. "You're right, police-girl. But wouldn't you rather see this...groundhog in person?"

Her eyes opened wide with wonder, and Alucard sighed inside, she was showing none of the suspicion a proper nosferatu exhibited by instinct. Her humanity was messing her up. She'd have to let go of it in her own time, but perhaps his plan would shake it a little. "You'd really do that, Master? You'd take me to see the groundhog?"

Alucard donned his Cheshire cat grin and replied silkily, "Of course."

--

Seras bounded happily through the crowd, wearing a violet muffler and a fluffy pink hat with dog flaps. A sunny yellow rain slicker shielded her from the sleet that dripped from the clouds. Alucard had had the sense to leave his blood red long coat, fedora, and cravat behind, seeing as they would stick out in a crowd like this. But the fact that a very tall, thin, pale man with sunglasses was walking through the sleet with only a formal black suit on didn't help his endeavor by a long shot. The discharge from the sky merely missed him though, splattering on the human unlucky enough to be at his side.

Seras was acting like an eager puppy, bouncing around like she had springs on her heels...or ants in her pants. Alucard chuckled, that could be fun. But they finally pushed through a crowd of people and stood before the platform. A beefy man was talking cheerfully into a microphone above the pattering of sleet, and suddenly, he turned around and waved his arm grandly. Seras stretched forward on her tip-toes, trying in vain to see the furry creature. Two men were carefully hauling a bulging brown bottom from a burrow, sounds of muffled protest were heard. And then he was out. Willard the groundhog.

Alucard wrinkled his nose distastefully at the disgusting stench, a mixture of dung and animal musk. Willard bared his sharp little red teeth and made a scuffling noise, twitching his nose. People oohed and awed and snapped photos, and Seras was beside herself with joy. She fawned over the stinking, over sized hamster with wide eyes, reaching up as if she could touch it. Alucard frowned deeply, this was just sickening. But he had to suppress a snicker anyway. His police-girl wanted spring, and for that to happen, the groundhog mustn't be allowed to see his shadow...The Nosferatu slowly reached up into the inner breast of his suit, wrapping his long gloved fingers around the handle of one of his most prized possessions...

--

"YOU WHAT?!"

Integra stood with her hands planted on her desk, standing, bristling. Seras Victoria stood beside her, crying her eyes out, an accusing finger pointed at her master. Alucard tilted his head to one side with an infuriating smirk, he replied evenly, "Seras wished for spring to come. You've told me how I should be less harsh on her, so I made it that spring will come. I did not allow the groundhog to see its shadow. That is all."

Integra's icy blue eyes bore into his own, they were narrowed with fury as she screamed, "YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SHOOT THE BLOODY THING, ALUCARD!!"

"It was the only idea that occured to me at the time. Could you have provided an alternative, my Master?"

The head of Hellsing stalked around her desk and stood so close to Alucard that she had to strain her neck to glare into his face. She muttered dangerously, "You could have," her voice raised to a scream again, "LEFT IT WELL ALONE!!"

"But I don't-"

"OUT! WALTER!!"

The butler hurried in with such speed that it one might think that he'd been listening in behind the door. "Yes, Sir?" Integra stepped back from Alucard and swiped a gleaming pistol off her desk. She loaded the bullets slowly and deliberately as she asked calmly, "Could you escort Miss Victoria to her chambers, please? And get her something to drink. No missions for you tonight," she told the sniffling draculina. Seras looked at her master's master with teary eyes and murmured, "Th-thank you, S-Sir..." before following Walter out. He placed a comforting hand on her shoulder as he shut the door behind them. Alucard looked expectantly at Integra as she finished loading her pistol.

"Alucard?"

"Yes Master?"

"You are the single _biggest_...I can't believe you'd...Do you have any idea how much more paperwork this is going to mean for me?"

"Yes...or would you like me to handle that as well?"

Integra glared at him and he suddenly became serious. He took a few steps back and spread his arms out by his sides, "Go ahead." Integra raised her pistol and aimed, her finger twitched on the trigger. "Do at least _try_ to seem like you're in pain, servant."

"I'll do my best, Integra."

She pulled the trigger, emptying her rounds on various points all over the vampire's body. Alucard winced as the silver burned into his undead flesh, trying very hard to fake pain. He'd become a little rusty since he didn't often experience it. He tried a moan of agony, but it came out as an amused purr and cut it off abruptly. After Integra's gun was empty, she gently placed her pistol back on her desk and ordered, "Now go to your dungeon, servant. You are not to leave it until I call you, whenever that may be. Walter will not be bringing you your meals, you'll starve until I decide otherwise. Understood?"

Alucard paused to cough up a bullet that had lodged in his lung, and replied, "Yes. But you should know-"

"Out. Now."

The vampire hesitated, but he could not disobey a direct order, and faded into thin air with a sulky look on his face. Integra sighed and suddenly spun, digging a cigar out of the cherry wood box on her desk, fumbled with the lighter in her hurry, and gave a contented sigh of smoke as she tasted the sweet taste of tobacco again. Still contentedly dragging off her cigar, she slid back into her seat on the other side of her desk and leaned over the papers in front of her. The latest one was from the groundhog's keeper. With a stifled groan, she picked it up with the tips of her fingers and read it.

_To Mister Alucard,_

_I'd just like to thank you again on behalf of the entire community, for disposing of old Willard. I'd have preferred it somewhere less public, but it needed to be done, and another thanks for that. Willard was old, he wouldn't have lasted another groundhog day. But the city refused to grant us another groundhog until old Willard was gone. None of us had the heart to go through with putting the old boy down. Enclosed in this letter is a check, the least we can do, for -_

Integra stopped there. She read the number. She read it again. Sir Integra closed her eyes, put the paper down, and took a deep breath; then she read it again. It was still the same. And she'd shot Alucard for it.

"Good God..." she muttered guiltily.

_Your thankful acquaintance,_

_Martin Baily-_

_Happy Groundhog's Day!_

heh heh, how'd you like them apples?

Lyndsay: nomnom they'z good!  
Me:pats friend on head good, now then. How did you people like the story?

I know Alucard was OOC by taking Seras to see Willard, but it was the best i could do, maybe. Sorryfulz for you Alucard freaks. gets reproachful look from crowd I am also a member of the Alucard fangirl club, so nyea. Make reviews, not flames. I take requests! I will, if I really have to, do AlucardxSeras SerasxWalter or even shudder PipxAlucard and AlucardxAbraham for you sick people out there. waves cowboy hat bye yall!

Pip:snatches hat

Me:I'll even do some stuff from after Pip dies if you'd like.

Pip:freaks out WHAT? I'm going to die! Ven vas anyone going to tell me!? I van to leeve!

Me:I also understand that I'm making Pip sound stupid. I'm sorry, I can't do a French accent. flinch dont flame me!


	3. Valentine's Day

**Valentine's Day**

Two bright red pinpricks lit up the last chamber of the deepest dungeon in the Hellsing mansion. They glistened and narrowed. Pale, pointed ears pricked at the sound that was filtering down into his domain. Alucard bared his fangs in a frown, and the glow of his eyes brightened to bathe his whole face in blood light. "Police girl..." he growled in his baritone voice. He could hear her perfectly through the miles of hard, cold stone. The feelings of happiness and traces of humanity filtered through his connection to his fledgling, making him feel quite sick. It was night, at least she was awake at night. Alucard stood in a great billowing of his blood red long coat, and just as he was about to leave his chamber, Walter, the butler, came in. The good old man was carrying a pair of medical packets, filled with an oozy crimson liquid. The Nosferatu's grimace was replaced by a jack-o-lantern grin, breakfast time. Walter moved around the room, toward the table beside Alucard's throne, and said, "Can you believe that?" He gestured with a jerk of his head toward the ceiling. Alucard cocked his head to one side and asked, "What _is_ she doing, Walter? I can hear her prancing around from down here, and her heart is fluttering. Our pulse is a defense mechanism, what is she doing with it?" Walter's reply was drowned out by the sing-song voice that suddenly echoed in the vampire's head. _It's Valentiiiiine's Daayyy! Hooooraaayy!_

With an impatient shrug that might've been a sigh if he'd breathed, Alucard walked over to the nearest wall, walked up it, and disappeared through the ceiling feet first. Walter shook his head to clear it of the cheerful tune Seras Victoria had been humming. It was nice to see her so happy and all, but vampires weren't supposed to cling to their humanity like this, it was a little annoying...and oddly, it was faintly creepy. To see a draculina acting so human. Walter quickly stepped out of the chamber, shutting the heavy stone door after him. The dull torches that had barely flickered on the walls upon Alucard's awakening went out in a simultaneous puff.

Seras Victoria was too busy draping a red felt heart-garland around the headboard of her bed to notice her master appearing through the floor. But she jumped a mile when he did. In her surprise, the draculina leaped halfway through the wall; in her surprise at having achieved this, she then proceeded to get stuck in said wall. Alucard stalked over and roughly pulled his fledgling from the stone. He felt her flinch, but she said nothing. Good.

"Police-girl-" but Seras inturrupted him, her voice high and pleading. She clasped her hands together and cried, "Please Master! Oh please, just let me decorate! It's Valentine's Day, it's _supposed_to be this way! Oh please, Master, couldn't you?" Her pale red eyes were wide with hopefulness and fear. Alucard wrinkled his nose in distaste. Seras was wearing a painfully bright pink mini-coat with golden buttons, with a magenta burae' and hot pink tennis shoes. She also wore a chain with a disgustingly glittery heart-shaped charm. The rest of her room was a torrent of pinks and reds. Red he liked, he wore it and drank it and enjoyed splattering red all over the place. But hearts he did not like, red and hearts just wasn't right. "No," he replied.

"Oh, but please, Master-"

"Police-girl, I said no. Put it all away, and change into your uniform."

The Hellsing operative looked heartbroken. Her head drooped and she whispered hoarsely, as if holding back tears, "Y-yes...Master..." she sniffed and Alucard faded into the darkness before the dams broke. Another thing he didn't like: tears. Tears and crying. They were just so pointless. If his fledgling had any spine at all, which she didn't, then she'd simply disobey him and that was that. As for now, he'd told her to change into her uniform because he could feel Integra's mind poking at the opaque barrier he kept around his own at all times. He opened a small gap, a mere peephole so as not to drive his master insane with his own thoughts. _Alucard, _Integra's voice said, _We may have another Bonny and Clyde incident. Copycats, as it were. A pair of vampires slaughtering whole families as they go about, do you remember?_

The thought sent pleasant shivers down Alucard's spine, he remembered the two vampires. They'd rampaged through homes, ghouling whole families, then killing the ghouls. He loved to replay their deaths over and over in his head sometimes, the scent of their fear, the thoughts rushing through their heads before they died. _Oh yes, Master. I remember quite well._Integra didn't sound the least bit disturbed at the note of longing pleasure that her servant's voice held.

_Well, don't dawdle there! Take care of it!_

_Shall I bring Seras?_

_Seras Victoria will be leaving shortly after yourself on a scouting mission with the Wild Geese. We've had reports of a human black market among werewolves and vampires._

_Might I join them once my work is finished?_ Busting a black market sounded a lot more fun than chasing after two renegade Freaks.

_...Perhaps. Inform me once your mission is completed, and we shall see._

After getting the location, Alucard melted into a black shadow riddled with burning red eyes. He rose again in the form of a great black dog, with eight eyes lining from his forehead to the base of his muzzle. Blinking through the fringe of fur that covered the top rows of crimson orbs, the hell hound set off at a gallop through walls and the front door. Those pathetic little hunters were about to become the hunted. It made his cold, thick blood feel almost warm with excitement.

--

The thick man puffed as he walked his dog. It was a scruffy black mutt, still a puppy, and his name was Bo. "S-slow down boy," the fat man wheezed as he was pulled along. Bo came back to him and circled him once so that he had to turn and untangle himself from the leash. After another few yards, Bo found a nice little shrub in front of a house and decided to claim it as his own. The man waited patiently for his dog to finish, eager to go back home. It was already dark out, and the streetlights hadn't turned on yet. It was creepy in the gloom.

From the house they were in front of, a cozy little bungalow owned by a nice-enough family of three, something that sounded like glass broke, and there was a high-pitched yelp from inside. The darkness of the windows was lit up in a white spark as several gunshots were fired, and then there was silence. "John?" he called out, despite the unlikeliness that he'd be heard, "Lyndsay?" No answer. Then something made a noise. It sounded like scuffling, like feet pounding through the house to get away. Bo pricked his ears, but refused to move when his owner strained on the leash. He was forced to stand there by his immobile pet. There was a blood-curdling scream of, "Desmond!" proceeding another flash of gunfire, then a shriek and more pounding. A light turned on in the front window, and the man tried unsuccessfully to hide his bulk behind Bo's shrub. The dog still wouldn't move. The curtains were ripped aside, revealing a stranger struggling to free herself from the grasp of something out of his view. She let out another shriek, and her nails made loud clawing sounds against the wooden windowsill as she was dragged back inside. "No! No, please, no!" she screamed as she disappeared inside again. A red-sleeved arm reached over and roughly tugged the curtains back into place, and all the fat man saw were silhouettes. A tall one, and the cowering form of the woman. Something that looked horribly like a gun slid into view from the tall one's shadow, and the woman's struggle increased. He looked away as there was a single shot, and when he looked back again, the tall shadow was holding a limp body by the wrist in the air. And as he watched, it suddenly crumbled away, like dust. The pale yellow curtains had a dark spatter on them, and he could only imagine what the stain was.

How could anyone do something like that and not care? Where were John and Lyndsay; their little girl Cassie? The tall shadow put its gun away, and the light flickered off. There was silence, and the man crept out from behind his bush, figuring the murderer must've snuck out the back. He had to get home now, he had to call someone, anyone. The police, news crews, the whole shebang. Just as he was about to scurry back down the street as fast as his thick legs would carry him, something made him freeze. Bo snapped out of his stupor at the same moment, and cowered behind his owner's feet. Despite having just thoroughly watered a shrub, the dog piddled on the sidewalk. A cold presence was winding itself around the man's throat like a noose. It was turning his blood to ice, cotton-padding his brain. An overwhelming terror such as he had never felt before welled up in him until he thought his heart would burst. He had to call the police, now! A deep, dark voice said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you, human."

As if he were a puppet on a string, the man turned around, and his mouth opened in a silent 'O' of horror. A tall, thin man was standing behind him, grinning like a maniac. But he wasn't normal, he wasn't. The tall man's eyes glinted red behind a pair of sunglasses, and the teeth he showed were too pointy, too sharp...they were _fangs_! It was the murderer, he knew it, and now he was next! Blinking back tears, the man waited to be shot and killed like the others. Bo whined and soiled the sidewalk, crying like a lost kitten.

"You would do well...not to mention this to anyone, human."

Why did he keep calling him human? Of course he was human! The man's fear suddenly dulled until it was a dim throbbing in his ears, and then he opened his eyes. There was no one there. With a start, he looked down at his cowering dog and exclaimed, "Bo! What's wrong with you? You do that in the grass, bad boy! What's gotten into you?" Bo howled, a sound weak with relief that the strange man was gone. That man hadn't been human, and the dog had felt the pure power emanating from him. He would've done anything at a word from that man, and it scared him. That was the alpha, and he would never ever forget it. With a final apologetic whimper, the dog followed his master back toward their house. The man shook his head, he didn't remember coming this far down the street. The last few minutes were a blank spot in his memories, but everything looked the same, oh well.

A man exited the doorway of the bungalow, his arms laden with timber. A woman, his wife, followed with a hammer. The fat man raised his arm in greeting, "Hey, John, Lyndsay!" The two of them waved back, and began to board up the broken window.

"What happened?"

John replied, "Oh, some kid shot a paintball through the window."

"What's that on the curtains? Is that blood?"

"Oh no," Lyndsay laughed, "That's just the paintball ink. Kids, you know?"

The man raised his arm in farewell, "I can well imagine. Goodnight you two."

"Night Harry."

--

Alucard played with the slide on his Jackal. He was so bored right now. After learning that there had been a witness, Integra had confined him to the dungeons, saying something about protocol and blah, blah, blah. He'd wiped all their memories, killed the Freaks, what was the problem? But when he'd voiced his concerns about the unfairness of it all, a silver ashtray had made contact with his temple, and he'd left. Alucard was reclined in his throne, twirling his guns in a practiced manner and wishing he could be in on the action. He could sense fear and excitement in his fledgling's mind, the scouts had found something, and from the feel of it, it was a bloodbath. His kill had hardly even been a decent game. They hadn't run nearly fast enough, hadn't screamed loud enough, nor had they begged enough. They had been weak.

Then a thought popped into his head. Integra had confined him to the _dungeons_, but not to his own chamber. He could go wherever he please...and that included Seras Victoria's room. A sinister smile played about his lips. Vermilion eyes glittered fiendishly.

--

Seras Victoria trudged through the halls of the dungeons. Blood stained her uniform, and she could feel a hard mask of it drying on her face and making her hair spiky. The first thing she wanted to do was take a thorough shower. Then she would take down the Valentine's Day things like her Master had told her. It was past midnight anyway, no longer Valentine's Day. Then she wanted to sleep. She wanted to sleep for a very long time, after putting a Do not disturb sign on her door. She had low hopes that it would deter Pip though. He'd been on her tail ever since she'd awakened, saying that to kiss a French man on Valentine's Day was good luck or some rubbish.

She opened the door, her eyes glazed with exhaustion, and shuffled over to the bathroom. After she'd gotten undressed, she turned the shower on full heat and stood under the soothing spray. Seras remembered a time when boiling water like this would've scalded her soft flesh. But now it just provided the most meager of warmth. It took her forever to get the rust-colored flakes out of her hair, and getting the stuff out from under her nails was a nightmare. After checking her body over one more time, Seras turned the water off and dried herself, taking her time wrapping a towel around her head and body. She already felt better, and was humming a cheerful tune as she opened the bathroom door. What she saw made her stop humming abruptly; the towel she clutched around herself fell to the floor, and she didn't bother to retrieve it.

All her stuffed animals, every single one she'd so painstakingly hidden from prying eyes and skeptical opinions, were strewn around her room. They were mutilated, stuffing and feathers and artificial fur carpeting the stone floor. Red streaks that looked terribly like blood were smeared around the walls. All her Valentine's decorations were torn to bits, though some of the garlands had been used as nooses for her precious stuffed animals. A large red heard was dribbling crimson lines, puddling on the floor below. On the opposite wall, above the door, was a single sentence, with a word that caught her eye. A name she screamed so loud that she thought her throat might tear. She'd never really called him this before, what with the whole Master thing, but he had gone way to far this time! "ALUCARD!!"

--

Alucard smiled contentedly, boredom having been warded off for the moment. His fledgling's screams echoed through the dungeon, and he heard Walter's footsteps beneath the din. He leisurely licked the blood from his gloved fingertips. The second bag of blood lay torn open on the floor, not completely wasted. He heard Walter trying to figure out what the heck was going on while Seras cried and screamed and cursed. Alucard thought he'd done a good job, he'd invented a new way to celebrate Valentine's Day. After all, it was the day dedicated to a priest's death. He'd painstakingly, almost lovingly smeared the bloody words on the wall, right above the door where Seras was sure to see it.

_A Very Happy Valentine's Day To You--_

_Alucard_

Yes, Alucard is OOC here. I understand. Get over it. But I think I handled that mission scene quite well. Someone, request some AxI fluff or something! My mind is blank on that front, and I _crave_some beautifully written AxI. Yes, I know I can't write that, but please! If you have a work of AxI tell me! If you have an idea but think you're writerly inept, tell me!


	4. Saint Patrick's Day

Don't own Hellsing. Make reviews, not flames.

**Saint Patrick's Day**

Pip whistled a cheerful tune as he strolled round the grounds in a vague pattern toward the training area. He wore a green sweatshirt in favor of his usual attire, and a pair of green sweatpants to match. He'd even adorned his cowboy hat with a number of clovers he'd picked here and there. The night was so peaceful, so quiet. Suddenly feeling too warm, he paused to slip out of his sweatshirt, underneath was a green t-shirt that said in gold letters _Kiss me, I'm Irish_. It wasn't true, he was proud to be French, but you never know. Some young lady might mistake his accent and then, Bang, free kiss.

The captain of the Wild Geese chuckled at his own cleverness. He tilted his head back and surveyed the moon, a pearly fang among so many diamonds. A breeze rustled through the grass, stirring his strawberry-blond hair, waving the ridiculously long braid that hung down his back. With a grin, he recognized the sound of a certain draculina's cannon firing, followed by the satisfying crunch of a wooden target. Putting on his most charming smile, Pip snuck up behind Seras Victoria, encircling her in his arms before she could turn.

"Captain Bernadette," she growled, "I hope you don't take this the wrong way but...GET OFF OF ME."

Pip made a little noise in the back of his throat, but he wisely backed away. Seras turned, and he saw that on the front of her uniform was a large felt shamrock. He pointed at it and said, "'Appy Zaint Patrick'z Day, eh?" Suddenly, an idea struck him. It was _the_stupidest idea in the history of any ideas. But Pip was a guy, he didn't know that. As casually as he could, he asked, "Soo...'ave you seen Alucard tonight? Iz he, eh...out and about?"

Seras Victoria eyed the captain. He wasn't being himself, aside from how he'd approached her. Warily, she replied, "Why do you want to know? It's _none_of your business."

Pip tried to look hurt, "Aw, but I vas only wondering, mon sherie."

That was more like the Pip she knew. Bringing her impressive cannon up from behind her, casually shouldering it in a subtle threat, Seras said, "No. I haven't seen Master. And whatever you want, stay away from him. He's still upset about...the...Valentine's Day...thing."

Pip nodded slowly. It was no secret, thanks to Integra and Seras's combined efforts, that Alucard had been severely punished after he'd broken into an off-limits chamber of the dungeons. No one knew which chamber, or what had happened there, but Alucard had been dangerously irritable ever since. "Vell," he said, "I just vanted to see somezing. He eez alvays vearing red, yes?"

Seras nodded cautiously.

"Vell, eez it not bad luck to wear red on Zaint Patrick's Day? He eez a vampire, he knows zee superstitions. I vanted to see if he wore green tonight. It vould be somezing new to see, you know?"

Seras rolled her eyes and sighed. Pip was such a blockhead sometimes...most of the time...yea, he was a blockhead. But he did have a point. _Did_ her master wear green on Saint Patrick's Day? Now there's a thought. Trying to appear as though the inquiry meant nothing to her, she shrugged the cannon over her shoulder and said, "Yea, whatever. I'll...I'll ask him if I see him."

Pip nodded and replied, "Thank you, mon petite sherie."

He received a slug in the shoulder that felt like it dislocated something. "Don't call me that, Captain."

"Ow," Pip squeaked when he was sure she was gone. But so far, at least his plan was going perfectly. Seras couldn't lie for her life; she'd check on her master, report to him to show off, and then...he and the Wild Geese would handle the rest. In the meantime, he had to get together the Wild Geese.

--

Seras Victoria crept through the mansion, ears pricked, eyes wide, all her senses alert for her master, Alucard. She didn't notice the burning ember of an eye that followed her at a leisurely pace, stretching from a pool of shadows. When Alucard's head popped up in front of her through the floor, she squeaked and phased down through the stone in her surprise. But she'd seen the green feather jauntily perched atop her master's fedora. She'd show Pip that she knew her master well enough.

--

Alucard grinned as he watched his fledgling scurry away. So far, his plan was going perfectly. Now all he had to do was wait.

--

Pip had the Wild Geese gathered around him. After hearing his proposal, most of them had joined in. But with a few, he'd had to play the "I'm your captain card", or "I'm your best mate", and even "I'll tell Integra you were drinking on the job".

"Okay men," he said in a hushed voice, "You all know zee plan?"

"Yea"

"Sure"

"Sounds like fun"

"Whatever"

"You're totally nuts man!"

Pip rolled his eye at Gene, and he shut up. "Good," he cried, standing and clapping his hands together, "Then let's get us a feather."

"Yea!"

The group of men searched the grounds, scouring every corner, every hiding place. But Alucard was a tricky one, though it wasn't that he didn't want to be found. Some of the Wild Geese were just morons, that's all. He had to make it easy for them, so he sent a bit of him into a bush to make some noise. Pip ran over, waving his arm and crying, "Come on! He eez here!" and the mercenaries poured into the thicket.

It might've been only about fifteen seconds before they all came pouring out again, screaming at the tops of their lungs. A large, black, two-headed dog chased after them, ripping itself into more dogs so it could split up. Alucard watched from the roof, chuckling as the night air became pungent with the scent of fear. He lifted his hand and plucked the green feather from it. He'd taken it from one of Seras's new stuffed animals, much to her horror when she returned to her room five minutes later, and eavesdropped on her and Pip's conversation. Pip's thoughts were easy to read. And as his hell hounds tracked the Wild Geese down and pummeled them with paws instead of ripping them to shreds, Alucard thought about what his fledgling had thought too. She was right. Pip was a blockhead.

"Happy Saint Patrick's Day," he chuckled to himself before slipping through the roof. A shrill shriek, a curse uttered in French, pierced the night. Not long after, another curse split the quiet, as Seras Victoria found her headless, wingless, stuffed parrot in her room.

yes, Alucard was so OOC that it was scary-ish. I still have trouble with Pip's accent, sorry. Any other complaints? good. Hush. hush i said! Review, and be nice. Requests!!


	5. Anderson's Birthday

ah, mostly to BigKwell, my first reviewer ever, Here's what im doing in all.

Easter,April Fool's Day,Earth Day,Seras's birthday,Walter's birthday,Pip's birthday,Halloween, Guy Fawkes Day, Integra's birthday,Alucard's birthday,Christmas Day. And any requests I recieve. Be happy!

**Anderson's Birthday**

Anderson...well, he wasn't technically _human_, as a regenerator, and had no birthday. He knew that and was extremely touchy about it, despite the fact that only a couple people had ever brought it up in his lifetime. It wasn't like he wished to be human or anything, being a regenerative Paladin suited him just fine. But he had a feeling, just a hunch, that he'd been...made, for lack of a better word, sometime in March. He liked March, maybe that was it, between winter and spring, it was such a serene time of year.

He sat in a straight-backed chair, his arms on his knees, watching the children play in the yard. Hellsing- he gritted his teeth at the mere name- hadn't been a problem for a while, and it was kind of nice to get back into a routine. A little boy with sandy hair kicked the football, sending it flying toward him. The Paladin's gloved hands shot up just before the ball hit his face.

"Sorry Father Anderson!" the boy yelped.

Anderson's eyes glittered with warmth, "It's alrigh', child. Just make yourself a bit more careful," he said in his broad Irish accent. He tossed the ball back, and the boy scampered off to rejoin the game. Alexander loved the children, watching them was like reliving a part of his past he'd missed out on. Which it was. Since he'd been _created_ and not born, he'd never really had a childhood. Not as far as anyone knew anyway. The thought made him a bit depressed again. It was a week after Saint Patrick's Day, so maybe he'd have his birthday today. Just as he thought this, a little girl walked up to him with a small box in her hands.

He'd never seen her before, which was odd because he knew every child in the orphanage by name. She looked to be around twelve or so; she had long raven hair, narrow eyes that she kept downcast, he couldn't see their color. Her features were sharp, even the tips of her ears seemed pointed, and her smile was thin and close-lipped. She wore a dark scarlet dress.

Thrusting the box toward him, the girl said, "I got this for you, F-Father Anderson." The way she stuttered, it almost sounded like she were trying not to laugh. A cloud passed over the searing Mediterranean sun, casting the land into a soothing shadow. Anderson smiled and cocked his head to one side, "Whatever for, my child?"

"Well...I heard that it w-was your...birthday..." Again, it sounded like she were holding in giggles. Anderson took the box, scribbled in childish handwriting were the words _Not Until Midnight_, he looked up, but the little girl was trotting around the side of the building already. He looked at the box again, _Not Until Midnight_, it must mean don't open it until then. The Paladin slipped the little wooden box into his coat, nestling it close to his holy blades.

--

_**Much Earlier**_

Daemon weakly lifted its head, black blood dribbling from its mouth. The gaping wound in its chest writhed as it tried to repair itself, but another silver bullet made its flesh still. The demon's eyes, one red and one yellow, burned with hatred, literally. Sparks flew from its gaze, and steam began to curl from its slitted nostrils. The vampire chuckled and another bullet tore through it, severing its leg from the thigh down. Daemon screamed in agony, its mouth a shapeless gash filled with barbed fangs. "What'd you do with Pestilence? What'd you do with it?" the demon screeched.

Alucard tilted his head to one side, his grin becoming wider, his fangs lengthening. It wasn't every day he got to put down a demon. He'd decided to use the other one for something...special. He burst out laughing, throwing his head back, his crimson eyes glittering in the darkness. He pulled out his Cassul to join his Jackal, and exhausted his rounds despite the fact the demon was dead within the first couple shots.

Oh yes, he was going to use- what was it, Pestilence?- for something _very_ special indeed...

The vampire chuckled again before fading into the darkness.

--

The Paladin Anderson sat in his room, tapping his foot while he held the box. What was in it? A little bracelet woven from clovers? A necklace with fake beads? A clumsily colored picture, perhaps? Curiosity gnawed away at him, but he respected the little girl's wishes and waited until midnight. He anxiously glanced at the digital clock by his side. It was two minutes to mid- no one minute to midnight. He waited, fingering the box, picking splinters off it. As he waited for an agonizing sixty seconds, the box gave a little wriggle.

Anderson looked at it, could the girl have given him some kind of animal? Perhaps a nocturnal frog or something she'd found by the stream? An owl chick? There was fifteen more seconds, and in that time, Anderson decided it best to open the parcel outside, lest whatever was in it have some manner of talons or teeth. After sprinting into the field the kids had been playing in earlier, Anderson listened for the chiming of the clock tower. Finally, the clock announced midnight, the Witching Hour.

GONG

Anderson pulled at the lip of the box

GONG

It began to splinter under his insistent fingers

GONG

The Paladin started to hum 'happy birthday' to himself on a whim

GONG

He paused as the box shook violently, whatever was in there wanted out, poor creature

GONG

Despite her good intentions, he'd have to tell that little girl off for shoving something alive in a box

GONG

There was a scuffling sound from within

GONG

Anderson gritted his teeth with effort as he finally wrenched the lid off the box

GONG

He stared as a long-fingered, clawed hand gripped the edge of the box to haul itself out, "A demon?!" Anderson cried

GONG

"I am Pestilence, Paladin priest! Watch me now!"

GONG

The demon, a leathery black thing, flew from the box and streaked toward the orphanage. "Demon!" Anderson cried, grabbing his blades from the depths of his coat

GONG

The priest pursued the demon, and the frightened cries of children made a lovely chorus, Alucard thought.

GONG

--

**Much Earlier**

"_W-what _do you want me to do?" Pestilence's voice was hoarse from screaming, and he was a quivering scaly bundle, held by the nape of the neck in Alucard's grasp. Alucard bared his fangs and brought his face up to the demon's, "You heard what I said. Do it, and you and your companion will be spared...for the moment. But _do not _harm any of the children." He was lying through his fangs, of course, but the demon didn't know that. It raised its mismatched eyes, quickly looking away from the crimson orbs, "I...alright. Just-" Alucard didn't care to hear the rest. The demon was stuffed into a little wooden box with a shriek, and the box was roughly tossed aside as the Hellsing pet finished off Daemon.

The vampire burst out laughing, his head flung back on his shoulders. He simply couldn't _wait_ to see the look on Anderson's face.

--

The manic laugh echoed through the field, he'd stick around to finish off the demon later, and perhaps beat Anderson into a pulp. "Happy birthday!" he couldn't help calling. This would certainly be a memorable birthday indeed for the Father Alexander.

After a while, Alucard released the slide on his Cassul, time to take care of a few things. Time for the _really _fun part...

--

ACK! OOC Alucard! Run in fear! I'm sorry, I wanted Alucard to pull a cruel prank on Anderson for his birthday, I hope I got the part about him not being human right. If you have a different suggestion for a prank or something, please, let me know. I wrote this chappie purely off an Ipod playlist and a can of vanilla coke. Requests!! Want AxI


	6. Easter

**Dedicated to Relks the Disturbed. Thanks for the idea about exploding easter eggs, I hope I got it the way you wanted.**

**Easter**

Sir Integra bit down on her cigar. Iscariot had given her hell for the demon incident a few weeks ago, and Alucard once again found himself locked in his chambers, starved and bored out of his mind. She managed a twisted, almost vicious smirk. Good for him, serves him right and all that. The papers before her scowled and told her off, knowing full well there wasn't a thing she could do about it, not even splatter them with ink.

_We really expected better of you_, one of them spat.

_Can't keep a leash on that _pet _of yours, Sir Integra?_ another one jeered.

With a snarl, she snuffed out her cigar, immediately regretted it, and resisted the urge to slam her head repeatedly onto her desk. Finally, with a decisive sigh, Integra stood. Stuff Enrico Maxwell, and she could care sodding less about the Paladin's hurt feelings. They were both...just...bloody...even Integra failed to come up with a word foul enough to describe her hatred for the organization. Whatever, Walter could take care of this later.

And with that, Integra swiped her hand across the desk, unceremoniously sending the Vatican complaints into the rubbish bin. She stepped out of her office, savoring the feeling of freedom from paperwork...at least for now anyway. A shape scurrying across the hallway a few doors down caught her attention, and with a sigh, "Alucard..." she followed the decorative carpet down the the adjoining hallway. A fluffy pink sweatshirt barred her vision. Integra put her hands on her hips and tilted her head quizzically, "Seras?"

Seras leaped a mile, almost literally. She landed on the ceiling like a frightened cartoon cat, but when she saw that it was her Master's master, she proceeded to crash down in a jumbled heap, knocking over a suit of armor in the process.

"Agh! Cherie, if you vouldn't mind, GET OFF OF ME!"

Integra closed her eyes and counted to five. The suit of armor fell over in a jumbled heap as Captain Bernadette tried to get out from between it and the wall. Seras yelled as it crashed down on her, and Pip proceeded to fall over the helmet in his hurry to help her up.

_Best make that ten, then_, Integra decided. When she was done calming herself down, Pip had finally gotten Seras to her feet. Sir Integra opened her eyes and frowned. Pip was wearing a pair of fluffy white rabbit ears on a headband, which matched the pink ones Seras had bobbing on her head. Pip rolled his eye to see where the head of Hellsing was looking, and he suddenly nudged Seras with an elbow, nodding so that his ears flopped. "Oh!" Seras cried, snatching the ears off the top of her head. Pip slowly reached up and removed his, throwing them behind the fallen suit of armor with a sheepish smile.

Integra chomped her teeth to find that there was no cigar between them. Damn. "Was I _interrupting _something, Seras? Captain?" Her icy glare fell on them both in turn, and they exchanged an awkward glance.

"No, Sir," Seras finally muttered, her head shamefully bowed like a scolded dog. Pip looked at his disheartened companion and sighed. The things he did for the little draculina. He stepped forward and said, "Zir, zis eez my doing. Eh...do you, perhapz, know what zee day eez today?"

Integra couldn't fathom where this was going. "It is March twenty-third."

Pip shook his head, "No, I mean zee _day_."

Integra was confused, "Sunday?"

Bernadette sighed. His employer was a _Christian_ for Pete's sake, and she didn't even know that it was-

"Easter!" Integra suddenly cried. Pip nodded, trying to keep his relief out of the gesture. "Exactly, Zeraz and I vere...decorating."

Okay, now that sounded like Seras. But why was the Captain in on the job? Integra stared hard at them both, trying to pick up the subtle signs of a liar, but they both cleared the inspection. "Fine," she said, "Just don't break anything else while you're in my home. But Seras," the young vampire jumped to attention, "You should be in bed right now. A proper vampire would be asleep in the middle of the day. To your coffin, that's an order." Seras was caught between being crestfallen and being relieved. _Thanks Captain_, she told him telepathically as she slunk away, doing her best to avoid brushing passed Integra.

Pip stood there for a moment, unsure of what do do, and hoping that his boss couldn't see the two abandoned baskets behind the jumbled armor. He had to hold in a sigh of relief as Sir Integra dismissed him by simply walking away, back toward her office. Paperwork would be better than sitting around this madhouse, just waiting for something to go terribly, terribly wrong.

As soon as she was gone Pip stooped to pick up the baskets, filled with brightly colored eggs, and hurried away to catch up with Seras. They'd hidden eggs everywhere except for the sub-basement levels, and his Wild Geese were getting impatient from waiting in their bunkers all day. He'd announced to them yesterday that they would celebrate Easter as they always had, and ever since the Saint Patrick's Day incident, they'd all been a bit restless and wary. But this was just hunting for candy eggs. What could possibly go wrong? (A lot of things, as it turned out, but that's still to come)

--

Seras sat on her bed. Alucard made sure that she never used it to sleep in, but after much, much begging and pleading and a little bit of tears, Walter had finally gotten her one. Her coffin lay stowed under it for when it was needed. Stifling a yawn, she shook her head vigorously at Pip. "No. No way. Do you have any idea what Master would do to you- I mean _us_, if he woke up and we were in there? You know how he is, he'd _murder_ us and think nothing of it!"

Pip rolled his eye, "You are quite zee optomeestic vun, did you know zat? Cherie," he pleaded, "I promize, he vill never knew ve vere zere. And if he does vake up, I shall take all zee blame for myself. 'Ow eez zat, Cherie?" Seras sighed and finally muttered, "Fine. Whatever. But _you're_ the one with blood Master can drink. He'd _never_ eat me. But he just doesn't like you."

Pip opened the bedroom door as the draculina hopped off the bed. He turned to her and said, "Remember vhat I said about zee optomizteec zing a vhile ago?"

--

Seras strained against the heavy iron door. Pip was giving her encouragement from the sidelines, and he only shut up after she threatened to wake Alucard up herself. Finally, with a loud screech that made them both flinch, the door was open wide enough for them to slip through. Pip stumbled on the darkened stairs, and found the hood of Seras's sweatshirt. The remainder of the way down, he simply told her that she must guide him through the darkness, as he wrapped his arms around her 'so he wouldn't lose her'. Seras resisted the urge to elbow him in the ribs. Much as she didn't want to admit it, having the Captain's warm, strong arms wrapped around her made her feel...safe. There was also a feeling that she refused to admit to herself entirely..._I can't be in love with Pip! He's human, and I'm..._a monster, a little voice finished for her.

When they reached Alucard's chamber, an unspoken agreement not to speak passed between them, as they crept around the far-spaced corners, hiding eggs. Seras slipped one under her Master's throne, scurrying away as he made a noise in his sleep. Pip put an egg in an empty wine glass, and balanced another on the lip of the bottle. He turned to slide one into Alucard's pocket, but Seras pulled him away with a look that said, _You're such a _moron_! Don't wake him up on purpose!_

His shrug was clearly the reply, _Whatever you say_, and he leaned toward her in the dark, _Cherie._

Seras grabbed Pip's strawberry-blond braid and pulled him back toward the steps, their empty baskets swinging from her other hand. Pip was forced to hop along backwards until he was released halfway up the stairs. As the great door grinded shut with his help this time, he whispered, "Zat, mon petite cherie, vas not very kind." He was silenced by a pale red scowl, and the two of them scurried away before Alucard awoke.

The sound of Seras's bedroom door slamming mingled with Pip's curse. But then it opened again and Seras stuck her head out for a moment. Pip walked away in a sort of daze, murmuring to himself, "Now _zat_ vas nice." with his hand on his cheek.

--

Alucard cracked open an eye, and he sent out shadowy tendrils to retrieve the hidden eggs. He picked one up on his fingertips and examined it, turning it this way and that. Then his face lit up with blood light from his eyes, his fangs glinting in a wide Cheshire grin.

The grenade belt that Pip usually kept with him at all times lay on the floor, where Alucard had snatched it as the French Pig and his fledgling argued in the dark. He snickered to himself, this was going to be _very_ fun indeed.

He cracked open the first egg, picking up the grenade belt as he did so.

--

It was night, Pip had postponed the egg-hunt until Seras would be allowed to join in. Finally, with a grand bow, he threw open the doors of the Hellsing mansion and let the Wild Geese run wild. They all had hats or sacks or baskets or something, and soon all the eggs on the first floor were gone.

"TO ZEE SECOND FLOOR!" Pip announced, with the air of someone rallying the cavalry for battle. The Wild Geese stormed upstairs, moving even quicker than before, as Sir Integra was chasing them around, threatening them with a pistol. But Alucard suddenly appeared and hooked his arm around her. She struggled as he whispered something in her ear, and with an almost fiendish smile to match her servant's, she let him lead her back to her office.

Seras looked at Pip, "What was that about?" Pip shrugged and said helpfully, "No idea. Hey, Zeraz?" Seras looked surprised that the Captain was using her actual name for once. "Yea, Pip?"

"Vill you kiss me?"

"What!?"

"I said, vill you-- OUCH!"

Pip hopped around, holding his head, where the draculina had given him a good flick. "Can you blame me for trying?" he cried, "I caught you off guard, didn't I?!"

Seras huffed and stalked down after the Geese into the sub-basement levels, muttered, "Bloody pig..." All the same, her insides were pleasantly fuzzy and warm.

--

The sub-levels were soon wiped out, and the Wild Geese began to slink toward Alucard's chamber, the only unchecked room. With unsure glances at one another, they pushed open the door, and ran blindly down the stairs. Several eggs were dropped in the process. One of them cried out shrilly as he saw a pair of narrowed crimson pinpricks in the far corner. But he blinked and they were gone. The Geese stumbled around, feeling for eggs, swinging at their comrades as they were accidentally grabbed.

Pip tried to 'accidently' grab Seras, and he was forced to duck under a flick and dodge what would have been an extremely painful kick to his groin.

The first man to find an egg was the luckiest of the lot, he left with it, all his eggs were candy and he'd gotten off on the better side of the whole thing. Alucard had left one regular egg on purpose. Everyone else...was not quite so lucky.

A blond man named Gene picked up an egg and shook it to hear the candy rattle cheerfully inside. But it wouldn't open. He shook it again and heard something like sand shifting around inside, and when he felt around the egg, there was a ring at the top, poking out. He pulled at the ring, figuring it was some kind of clasp to keep the candy in. He stood triumphantly for a few seconds, shuffling awkwardly toward the stairs, and then the egg exploded.

It's strange that the Wild Geese all managed to find and open an egg almost simultaneously, but they did. Easter was not the best day of their lives that year.

Alucard sat on the ceiling in the corner, laughing like a madman, clutching his sides.

--

Integra couldn't feel the vibrations from the explosions, from her orders, Alucard had emptied most of the gunpowder from the shells. She didn't want to _kill _the Geese, much to Alucard's disappointment. But this would teach them to barge into her home, uninvited.

--

Pip was cornered, his hand held up in a helpless gesture. The Wild Geese were closing in, all their hands were bandaged, but that seemed to be the extent of their injuries. Except for poor Bobby Davis. The poor guy had stuck his egg down his pants, because his basket had been full. He was still in the infirmary, and needless to say, he'd be walking bow-legged for a long, long, long time.

"Now men," Pip said, backing up another step to find that there was only wall behind him, "I know zings didn't go as planned, but you shouldn't blame me! Blame Alucard! He'z zee one who did zis to you all! Vhy take it out on me?!"

"We're men, Captain. We're not stupid; taking on Alucard would be suicide. Integra's the boss, Seras is a vampire, and that just leaves you. It's nothin personal, I swear Cap."

Pip skirted around his mutinous men and ran for it, a stifled squeak escaping from his throat.

Gene looked at the Wild Geese, a satisfied grin on his face. "Well," he said, "That takes care of that."

"I'll say," one of the men replied, "Did you see that? Pip probably wet his pants!" They all shared a hearty laugh. Even a weak wheezing chuckle could be heard from the infirmary, before a doctor prodded him and poor Bobby Davis let out a yelp.

--

Just to let you know, Bobby Davis is okay. He made a full recovery, and now locks himself in the bunker during Easter. Haha, how'd you like that? Once again, I've tried keeping Alucard in character, and all that. I don't own Hellsing, in case you didn't know, and this is purely for entertainment purposes. I'm doing requests for holidays, and all other non-holiday stuff will be starting after I've finished Christmas. I already have an AxI anniversary, but I'm not dedicating it until the actual chapter, so sorry, but you'll have to wait. Make reviews, not flames. :D

PS, you're good reviews make me glow on the inside. When you glow, it's very hard to get to sleep. But that's okay, I spend my waking hours writing anyway. (continues to glow)

I love you all, my faithful readers! And another bird just hit my window.


	7. April Fool's Day

**April Fool's Day**

Pip stood on his tip-toes, precariously balancing on a step-ladder, trying to get the stupid bucket to stay on top of the door. It tottered and crimson droplets flew into his face. Just great. He leaned the bucket against the door frame, and carefully drew his hands away. It finally stayed. With a relieved sigh, Pip stepped down and folded up the step-ladder, leaning it against the wall and kicking several torn open blood packets underneath it. He slipped out the narrow opening of the door and sprinted down the dark hallway beyond.

--

Seras held the tip of her tongue in her fangs as she tried to balance the stupid bucket on top of the door. It nearly slipped from her grasp, and sticky white glop oozed out. Just great. Awesome. Righting the bloody thing, she finally managed to get it just the way she wanted. Then, crossing the room, she took the only towel there and slipped a couple of handfuls of white feathers in it, folding the white cloth over. With a stifled giggle, the draculina hurried through the narrow gap of the door and sprinted back toward the mansion.

--

Integra hurried through the hallways, anxious not to be seen. Her arms were laden with what looked like a good deal of Seras Victoria's clothing, skirts and skorts and much pink fluff. A florescent green boot fell to the floor with a loud rubbery thud, and Integra flinched. Just great. Awesome. Dammit. But no one came, and she sighed as she picked the thing up. Where Seras shopped to get such colors she hoped never to know. With that, she slipped into a room undetected. After around five minutes, she exited, carrying a different wardrobe entirely. She hurried off to her office to hide the evidence, smiling in spite of herself.

--

Walter looped the string under the box and delicately placed a weight on it. It stayed. He looked up, following the thread's track up to the ceiling, where it crossed a hook and was supporting a large water-balloon filled with sugar-water. The sugar was to make things a bit more interesting, more...sticky. His old face crinkled in a smile, sticky would _definitely_ make things a bit more interesting. Just as he was about to leave, the string slipped, and he had to dive to catch it, lest the water-balloon wet everything before the time was right. He sighed as he caught it, then looked around. The box had been sent skidding to the other side of the desk. He reached for it, but his fingertips just brushed it farther away. With a sigh, the butler flicked out his wires, sending the box to the floor. Just great. Awesome. Dammit. Not good.

--

Alucard did a jaw-cracking yawn filled with fangs and grunted. He really didn't want to get up right now...but he could feel their excitement, their anticipation, and knew he _had_to see the look on their faces. Just to make sure, he quickly sent a shadow to check all the clocks in the mansion, when it returned to say that everything was as he'd put it, he sighed contentedly. This wouldn't be as satisfying as the Easter incident, that had involved pain and the like, but this would entertain him nonetheless.

--

Integra pushed the door to her office open with a toe, her arms still filled with clothing. She cursed and gasped when the bucket fell on her. Thick, cold, oozy blood dribbled down her face, clotted in her hair, and rendered her glasses opaque. She stood, shaking with fury, before throwing the clothes in the air with a roar and storming into the bathroom to wash up before bloody _killing_ someone!! She had a very good idea of who that someone was.

--

Walter chuckled at his cleverness, he'd finally gotten the box the way he wanted, and it was sure to bring forth a few laughs. Oh, how he loved April Fool's Day! He glanced at the clock, it was 11:30AM, he still had time to spare. To pull a prank after noon meant the joke was on you, of course. Swiping sugar off of his waistcoat, the butler decided to change, he couldn't have Integra seeing him like this. Let alone the receiver of his prank. He flung open the doors of his closet and believed he almost had a heart-attack. He'd never seen such bright colors in his lifetime, and he never, ever wanted to again. A note pinned to the front of a baby blue mini-skirt caught his eye. Ripping it off the garment, his eyes sped over the writing. _Your new wardrobe; hope you like it as much as I do!_ Walter gritted his teeth. He had no idea where the rest of his clothing was. He had a very good idea indeed of who had stuffed his closet full of this rubbish.

--

Seras giggled again as she entered her room, he'd never know what hit him. She cheerfully made her way over to her wardrobe, a case of bubblegum sat on top of it. Though she was a vampire and didn't crave bubblegum among the few things she craved, it was something nice that she still enjoyed doing. Seras liked to make bubbles, and had been practicing doing so with fangs. It wasn't coming along too well. It was sugar-less gum, because for some reason, her vampiric tastes rejected sugar with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. She snatched the case from the wardrobe and something fell with a _kathunk_to the floor. She looked down and saw a weight. What was that doing in her roo- Seras shrieked as sweetened water cascaded down onto her head. The balloon's body shattered, splattering the sugar-water everywhere. The draculina's eyes gained a proper red hue as her fangs lengthened. She was going to _kill_ him!

--

Pip strutted into his room, knowing full well that the receiver of his prank would have no clue that it was him. As he pushed open his door, a bucket fell on his head. But it wasn't filled with blood like he'd done. It was glue. "Ack!! Eetz in my eye!" he yelled. He staggered around his room, reaching for anything to wipe the stuff out of his eye. His hand found a folded white towel. He sighed with relief as he pushed his face into the cotton, wiping the sticky stuff off...and rubbing something prickly and tickly on. With a start, the Captain ran over to his mirror, his face was covered in feathers, and the thin veil of glue he'd left was drying. Someone was going to pay!

--

Alucard watched with a wide grin on his face from his seat on the wall above the door. His master, the butler, his fledgling, and the French Pig were all standing below him, screaming their faces red. He could hear the rage pounding in their hearts, and it was making him quite excited. Integra shook her head and cried, "Walter, how could you!?" Walter looked stricken, "How could _I_? But Sir, look what Miss Victoria has done to _me_!" Indeed, Walter was wearing a pair of nearly skin-tight black leather pants, with a periwinkle blouse, and he wore a pair of black tennis shoes with bejeweled butterflies on the sides. Seras pointed at Pip, her bottom lip trembling. But then she decided against the innocent act and slapped the Captain across the face, "You-you..." she uttered a curse word so foul that even Alucard looked surprised. "You dumped sugar water on me! Do you have any idea how _foul_sugar tastes when you're a vampire?! Do you?!" she didn't give him time to answer, and slapped him again. Pip drew back, holding his assaulted face. "Zeraz, I swear, it vasn't me! But you," he pointed at a baffled Integra, "You dumped glue and featherz on me! Do you know how painful zat eez? I 'av a mind to quit right now!"

Alucard cleared his throat, and the four of them looked up. "What do you want, Alucard?" Integra spat, "Come to gloat?" Alucard slid down the wall and landed lightly on the floor. He shook his head gently, "Oh no, Master, I just wish you'd all check your watches." The four of them all started. Integra pulled back her sleeve, Walter took out a pocket watch, Pip dug through his pockets, and Seras raised her wrist. It was 1PM. Alucard strolled around them, explaining in the manner of an evil villain monologuing. "I turned all the clocks back an hour during the night. It was only pure luck that none of you happened to look at your watches during this time period. But don't the rules of April Fools say that if you pull a prank after noon, then the joke's on you? My prank was pulled before it was even April Fool's Day, so I believe that I win, yes?" He looked them over with a smug face.

Integra was the first to move, "Alucard!" The vampire turned tail and ran up the wall, onto the ceiling, and through it feet first before Integra could utter an order.

"Damn vampire," the four of them chorused, then set about figuring who pranked who.

--

eh, it's anti-climactic, I know, but hey, I tried. Nothin to report. Oh, actually, I got a mosquito bite on my eyelid, The End. Make reviews, not flames. I do take requests!! Come on people!


	8. Earth Day

**Earth Day**

Alucard held the struggling vampire by the neck an arm's length away. Her long dark hair was whipping around like it was alive, and it was slowly constricting his arm, moving up toward his face."Tell me," he said, his face contorted in a manic grin, "What does trash like you gain from all this? All this killing of innocent people, slaughtering when you've already been fed. What's in it for you, I wonder?" The vampiress clawed fruitlessly at his hand, and hissed with a vicious fanged smile, "Same thing you do, I 'spose." Alucard cocked his head to one side, his grin tilting. "Well," he purred, "That makes perfect sense." And with that, he threw the woman to the floor and drew out both his guns, emptying his rounds on her extremities before loading again and shooting her torso in half. His last bullet ruptured her head, all over the place.

That done, he held up a gloved hand and examined the blood that threaded through his fingers. After a moment, he laughed aloud and ran his long, red, pointed tongue over his palm, collecting the crimson droplets. The vampire had been right, he _loved_ killing! Positively lived, though perhaps not technically, for killing.

With a contented sigh, Alucard put his guns away and stalked off through the abandoned building. He examined the blood-smeared walls as he passed and licked his lips.

Seras was waiting for him outside, her Harkonnen slung over her shoulder. Pip and a few choice members of the Geese were standing a little ways away, sharing a smoke. The sweet smokey scent of tobacco filled the night air. "Master," Seras said, bounding over to him, "how'd it go? Any trouble?" He knew this was her way of fawning over him, but all the same, he didn't enjoy her cheerful demeanor when he'd so carefully put himself into a morbid mood.

"Fine, police-girl," he said, and walked away. Seras left him alone, he always got all quiet, and dare she say _moody_, after a mission.

--

Alucard heard his fledgling's thoughts. He didn't care. But he _did not_get moody after missions! He just...liked to be alone, make sure he remembered all the details of the kill so he could send himself into the sweet dream while he slept. One Freak's nightmare, another vamp's paradise, he suppose. Alucard snickered at his own cleverness. Although...there _had_ been that one incident last year...Earth Day it was, as he recalled...

--

**FLASHBACK**

He stalked through the junkyard, doing absolutely nothing to mask his appearance. Integra had told him a pack of Freaks led by a werewolf. Just some trash and a junkyard dog, as far as he was concerned. He looked around and wrinkled his nose at the stench of rotting rubbish. Yep, this was definitely the place for creatures like that. He fingered the new toy in his pocket, some kind of bomb Walter had given him for a test run. Alucard doubt he'd use it, he much preferred making his kills...up close and personal. He chuckled and cocked his head to one side as a pan skidded down a trash heap. He could sense them: twelve or so Freaks, two level one vampires, fifty ghouls, and the werewolf. Nothing too special, but at least there was something for him to do.

Alucard came around a trash heap and saw the ghouls with one of the vampires and a couple Freaks. They were hunched over, fighting over something they were ripping to shreds and chomping wetly. The smell of human blood filled his nostrils. Male, approximately 258.43 pounds, age thirty-eight...aw, and they'd gotten the man's dog too. Such quaint little killers. His face contorted in a manic grin as the pack turned to look at him. _Playtime!_

The ghouls stumbled forward first, dripping with blood, their sunken eyes glinting red. But Alucard's eyes were a brighter crimson with the blood lust. He pulled out his Cassul and Jackal, and went to work. Ghoul flesh shriveled and dusted, black blood spattered the rubbish heaps, and Alucard grinned until it looked like his face would rip. The Freaks stood, and the vampire backed off into the shadows. Alucard chuckled and walked forward through the lines of ghouls, toward the escaping beast. One of the Freaks stumbled back with a screech, and tripped over the body, Alucard killed him. The other stood, paralyzed with fear. It was nice when this happened, but he was feeling playful tonight, and he preferred a chase, however short it may be. But oh well, at least he could play with his food a _little_ before going.

He flung out an arm, fast as a striking snake, and lifted the man off his feet. Alucard loved the feeling of the claws raking his arm, and twisted his hand to the side. The Freak's neck snapped, but he kept up his struggle. Alucard put his guns away and lifted his other hand, he wrapped it around the Freak's head and squeezed. Needless to say, the Freak's head popped like a freshly laid egg. Because when Alucard decides that your head needs to be crushed into a bloody pulp, it's going to be crushed, no _but_'s about it.

He dropped the dusting body and went after the vampire. He lingered on one side of a trash heap, listening to the conversation.

"I swear, he's a killer, mate! We gotta get out of here! He's completely mental!"

"But what about the boss? If we ditch-"

"Stuff the boss, mate! We gotta get outta here now! It's the one they all talk about! It-"

"Alucard? The Hellsing vampire? Oh man, we-we gotta go! Like...like _now_!"

"That's what I been sayin!"

A third voice snarled, "What have you been saying? Where do you two think you're going?"

Alucard took out his guns, that was the werewolf. The stench of stale blood filled the air; the wolf had brought its Freaks along too, how convenient. He strolled around the trash heap and said, "Hello." The summoned monsters took one look at him and went ballistic. Alucard threw back his head and laughed, he loved it when they scurried! As if that would help them!

He was suddenly knocked back as a pair of paws hit his chest, and fangs latched onto his exposed throat. He felt himself being shaken like a rag doll, and he went limp. After a moment's hesitation, the Freaks and vampires joined in too, eviscerating him, throwing his entrails around like toys. The werewolf dropped him and she...it was a she...said, "There's your Alucard for you! The 'greatest vampire hunter of them all' the 'Hellsing pet', he's dead!"

"Woa!" one of the vampires screeched, scooching back. "Where'd he go?!"

The werewolf looked around, her fur growing in agitation. "Where is he?" Alucard's body had disappeared, along with all the gore. All that remained was a blinking red light. The werewolf bent over it, her eyes reforming into those of a wolf to see in the dark. It was...a little silver thing. It had a spike driven into the ground, with a blinking light on top. There were...a set of numbers on a panel on top. 3..2..1...

--

The little boy bounced in his mother's lap, pointing at the sky, "Looky mama, look, look, look! Pretty! Fireworks, Fireworks!" The woman looked up at the sky from her seat on the front porch. A large orange and yellow fire display was shooting into the sky, producing much black smoke. Little red bits were pouring off of it...Was that a toaster? A severed arm? But no, it was just fireworks. She shook her head and wracked her brains, was there anything to celebrate today? Did they let fireworks off on Earth Day? Her son bounced on her knee, reaching up, "Pretty lights, mama!"

--

Integra winced as she held the phone to her ear. "Yes...yes, I understand, but...Well, obviously not!...Yes...No, I don't think I should, you see...Fine...Yes, I'll tell him...Good night." And she hung up the phone with a growl. She _despised_people who talked down to her because she was a woman. Alucard wouldn't like this. Just as she was about to call him, Alucard appeared in her office. "I sensed your distress, Master." he said, "What's wrong?"

Integra slowly took out a cigar and lit it, she was going to need it. "Alucard, I've been informed that you used Walter's...spike bomb, is it? That you used the spike bomb to blow up a garbage dump. Alucard dipped his head and grinned, "Yes, that is true. But what of it?" She blew out a smokey breath. "It seems...not all of the garbage was incinerated. There've...been some complaints. Earth Day fanatics and the like." Alucard scowled, "Tree huggers. But was has this to do with me?"

"Well, there's no easy way to say this, so I'll be blunt. A messege has come from the Queen saying that, in light of this particular holiday, you have to..."

Alucard stared. "WHAT?!"

--

The vampire grumbled as he stood beside Seras and most of the Wild Geese. They were all stooped over, picking up half-burned trash. Bobby Davis winced as he walked, using his garbage pike as a cane to ease the stress on his...legs. Seras looked up at Alucard, "Master, why are we doing this?"

"Because," he snarled, he was irritable in the sun, and humiliated, "Sir Integra ordered it."

Seras shook her head and said, "Oh no, Master. I know _why_ we're doing this. But I mean, why are _we_ doing this?"

Alucard glared at her, and she squeaked, "It's just...this is your mess to clean up and all..."

Seras squealed as her master came at her with his garbage pike, swinging his rubbish sack at her head. He bumped into Bobby Davis as they went, and the poor guy tumbled into a pile of smoldering trash, where a half-melted pipe connected with his...with a very sensitive area, making him scream several curses that made a passing mother cover her child's ears and scowl. Alucard bashed Seras over the head with his garbage pike, while Walter stood supervising on the sidelines, shaking his head sadly.

"Ouch, Master! Please!"

"Get back here police-girl!"

"Walter, help!"

Walter said, "I'm afraid there's no stopping them when he's like this."

"Walter! Help me! Ouch Master!"

"Stay still!"

--

Poor Bobby Davis. Don't tell him Im writing this, or he'll come after me to save his crotch. Hope you liked it. If you're looking for a really sad story by the way, check out my songfic, vampire heart. YAY! By the way, that misquito bite on my eyelid still itches like mad. Oi, I need you all to think of present ideas for Seras's birthday. Plot ideas would be good as well. Stuff like that for Walter, Pip, Integra, and Alucard would also make my day. I need your guys's help on this one, don't let me down!!


	9. Seras's Birthday

**Seras's Birthday**

The only thing Sir Integra could hear right now was the sound of her own teeth grinding. She stopped when she remembered that her dentist had told her it was bad, so she broke her fountain pen in half instead. But she did it in a very refined, calm way. Seras Victoria stood in front of her desk, her hands clasped in a begging gesture, her eyes large and watery. "Oh Pleeeeaasse, Sir! Pleeaase! It _is_my birthday after all! Oh pleeeeeeeaasse! Pretty pretty pleeeeaase? Pretteeee Pleeeaasse!" Integra was going to explode, she knew it. She was going to explode from sheer annoyance. This was going to go on for ages and ages, she knew that too, vampires have all the time in the world. "Pleeeaasse, Sir!!" Seras finally dropped to her knees and shuffled closer to the desk, her eyes growing wider. She even tried turning them blue again, but blue and red tend to make purple, and that was just weird. "Pleeeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeee!!"

"All right! Yes! You may have your stupid birthday party here! My God, is it so difficult to take a hint?! Get out! Get out and do whatever it is you need to do, because I swear I'm about to blow your bloody head off!! OUT!!"

Integra didn't remember standing, but she was now, towering over the kneeling draculina, her hair flying around and her face a bright red color. She awkwardly cleared her throat and sat down, straightening her blue cravat. "Well, erm...Happy birthday then, Miss Victoria, and, er..." Seras stood and brushed off her knees, "Thank you, Sir Integra. I much appreciate it. Thank you again. I'm off to make the preparations, and then I'll be going to my coffin for the remainder of the day. Good day, Sir." she said primly. Sir Integra was taken aback, usually the bubbly little blond was bouncing off the walls over nothing, and she'd been begging for- she looked at the clock- half an hour.

Seras dipped her head in farewell and slowly walked out the door. It slowly swung shut behind her, and Integra sighed. At least the vampiress hadn't screeched with joy like that time--

"YES!! YES!! IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, IT'S SOOO MY BIRTHDAY!! GONNA CALL MY FRIENDS AND PARTY LIKE IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!! 'CAUSE IT'S TOTALLY MY BIRTHDAY!! YEEESSS!! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!! OH GOD, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! YEESSS!! WOOHOO!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! YES!!"

After a moment of unpleasant ringing, Integra vigorously dug her finger into her ear, then she sighed. Well, that wasn't nearly as bad as she thought it would be. She winced as the draculina started to sing 'Happy Birthday' at the top of her lungs on her way to the phone. Walter staggered in, carrying her afternoon tea, he'd been hit hard with the sound waves. Hopefully he didn't suffer any brain damage, because his eyes _did _look a _little_unfocused. Integra sadly shook her head and asked quietly, "Have I just done something horribly wrong, Walter?"

"What, Sir?!" Walter said very loudly, making her wince again, "Miss Victoria was screaming something in the hallway, and I--"

"I know, Walter. Now, if you wouldn't mind, please be quiet."

"Yes Sir!!"

Integra dug through her desk drawers for a bottle of Aspirin. _What have I done?_

--

Seras Victoria sat on the counter in the kitchen, the phone between her ear and shoulder as she used her hands to fiddle with a pen and notepad with many names and phone numbers on them. She perked up as someone picked up on the phone she was calling, and she squeaked happily, "Jenna? Yea, it's me, Seras! No, this isn't a joke..." and then she let out a delighted squeal that was echoed on the phone. "Yes! Oh my gosh, I know! I'm sorry I've been gone so long. It was unavoidable. Well, why don't you come _see_'where I've been for all this bloody time'! Yea, it's my birthday! Why thank you! Yes...yea...of course! Okay, it's London--yea, London, I know! Can you make it? Great! Okay, it's London, and here's the address..." She handed out the Hellsing mansion's address to twenty-one or so of her friends. Integra hadn't specified an amount of guests, so she was going all the way! Finally, with a hoarse voice from squeaking, screaming, talking, and laughing, Seras said, "Yea. Yea Emma, it's good to talk to you again too. Yep, you got the address right? Okay, good. See you tonight then. Bye-bye."

But unknown to Seras, Pip had been planning to break the Wild Geese into the house again, and had heard her outburst outside Integra's office. _Her birthday, huh? This could be fun..._And the Frenchman went back to the barracks to...prepare. Alucard would've been proud of the sinister grin on Pip's face. Either that, or he would've asked what was up, laughed at the answer, and scared the living daylights out of the Captain. But Alucard was asleep like a sane vampire. (_Like_ is not _is_; Alucard is quite insane)

--

"Oooohhhh..." the three women chorused, their eyes wide. The triplets Crystal, River, and Cathrine had a slightly annoying habit of somehow reading eachother's minds and saying the same thing at the same time. It was kind of cool until you realized that they do it all the time. Then they all say sorry at the same time, and apologizing up and down in unison, and you start to get a migrane, and...it's just not fun. Seras waved her arm grandly at the mansion's enterance hall, then she ushered her friends into the den to watch TV until the others arrived.

The EELS arrived next. They were a group of four very good friends who almost never left eachother's sights. They knew everything about one another, and Seras loved them to death. She called them EELS because their names were Emma, Elissa, Lyndsay, and Stephanie. They rushed up and smothered the draculina with a group hug until she managed to direct them into the den, where the triplets squealed and the EELS moved on to smother them next. Seras shook her head in mock sadness, she loved them _all_ to death, and she appreciated the irony of that, considering the fact that she was a vampire.

After the other girls, Julia, Taylor, Melissa, sisters Haily and Brenna, Jenna, Jackie, cousins Sarah and Baily, Cara, Jessica, and Nicole, arrived, Seras herded them all down toward the basement. She'd made up her chamber for the occasion, and called it a basement instead of a dungeon. The draculina didn't see Sir Integra standing at the top of the Grand Staircase, shaking her head sadly, as if she deeply regretted something.

--

Alucard cracked open an eye, looking at the red light reflecting off the inside lid of his coffin. Something had woken him up a couple hours early. A noise. He could hear it now, it was...peeping? No, it was squeaking, squealing, laughing. It sounded like there were a bunch of happy Seras's running around. But, that was impossible. He closed his eye and tried to tune it out, but then there was a loud crashing sound, and more high-pitched squealing.

The No-Life King uttered an annoyed growl, he was going to have to get up, wasn't he? He pushed open the lid of his coffin and climbed out; then he stalked through the wall, muttering something that sounded like

_...don't give a damn if she's already dead, I'm going to _kill_ her..._

He was going to tower over her, glaring, and she was going to quake in fear, and then he was going to go back to bed. It was as simple as that. While Alucard thought of things that were most certainly _not_going to happen, he wasn't paying a great deal of attention as he walked through the wall to Seras's room, and he almost tread on a very surprised Cara. The tiny dark-haired girl yelped as she felt a thick boot come very close to squashing her fingers, and she scrambled away on her hands and knees.

Alucard looked around, momentarily fazed. What was going on here? What were all these _humans_doing in Seras's bedroom? He looked around for his fledgling and found her on the other side of the bed she'd forced Walter to buy for her. She was sprawled next to an overturned poster, the thing that had crashed to the ground(actually, it was the lamp it brought down with it), while two redheads and a platinum-blond all spoke at once, saying the same thing. They were triplets, anyone could tell that, but how they chorused like that, even fillers like um, was beyond even Alucard.

Seras fluttered open her eyes and looked beyond the spots that were dancing in front of her vision(spots enjoy dancing, apparently, these ones seemed to be doing a waltz) and saw her master looming over her with a disgusted look on his face. "M-Master!" she shot up and rubbed the cracked back of her head. The spots ran away screaming, and a room full of young women were left staring at Alucard in an awkward silence. Well, it wasn't awkward for Alucard, who plowed right on, "What do you think you're doing? Who are all these people? Talk, police-girl!"

Seras stammered, "W-well, Sir said...Sir said that I-I could...um, it's m-my birth...It's my birthday party, Master, a-and I just...ehm..." and she trailed off. Alucard glared at her so hard that it looked like the blood light from his eyes had solidified into glass. After a moment, he gave a displeased growl in the back of his throat and turned on his heel, making sure to use the door so as not to scare the little humans. One of them, a gangly girl with curly tawny hair, winked at him as he passed, and he couldn't help but give his most charming grin in return, which everyone saw. The door closed, and all eyes turned to Seras as she stood up again, partially shielding herself with her birthday banner.

There was a minute of silence as the women digested everything that had happened, and then they all jumped up and clamored to be told about this 'Master'.

"Ooooo, he was so _handsome_!" cooed Nicole.

"What's he like?" Taylor cried as she pretended to swoon with her hand over her heart.

"He's mine!" The triplets chorused.

"Back off, I saw him first!" Julia giggled.

Emma jokingly bared her teeth and growled, putting up a fighting stance that was broken by a thrown pillow.

Then little dark-haired Cara asked the obvious question, "Why'd you call him 'Master'? Is this, like, _his_mansion? Is he a billionaire or what?"

"Oh my gosh, you're right!" squealed Lyndsay. "Seras, tell us about him, _pleeeease_!

Seras sighed as all her friends jumped up and down, begging to hear about her Master. She mentally swore very loudly, half-hoping he would hear her. Finally, she raised her arms to calm the wave of excited woman and said, "Alright, fine. I'll tell you about him. As much as I know anyway," okay, so that wasn't entirely true. Like she'd ever tell anyone he was a vampire, he really _would_kill her for that. "Now," Seras said with the air of talking to a group of kindergartners, "Raise your hands nicely, and I'll answer your questions."

Everyone's hand shot up, and Seras's smile faltered for a moment. She finally pointed at River, one of the triplets, and her voice sounded strangely hollow when she spoke by herself, "Who is he? Like, what's his name and stuff?"

The draculina made up some half-true rubbish about Master Alucard having taken her under his wing when the whole cop thing didn't work out. She stretched the term 'eccentric' a bit and subtly avoided specifying _whose_mansion it really was, but she gave Alucard the fortune and said that the severe blond woman was his niece Integra, who was studying to be a lawyer.

Seras had just got the last questions answered when there was a polite knocking at the door, and Walter entered pushing a gigantic box. It was untidily wrapped, and the old butler was perspiring a bit from having hauled it all the way into the dungeons. He accepted Seras's thanks with a weary smile, and hurried out the door away from the curious stares of the draculina's guests.

--

**Earlier**

The Wild Geese gathered eagerly around the box, covering it in wrapping paper and tape. The box gave a little shake, and one of the men laughed, "Best idea _ever_ Cap'!"

Pip laughed too, here was a birthday present she would never forget. No matter how hard she tried.

--

The arrival of the giant present made the women eager to show off what they'd gotten Seras, so they surrounded her with boxes and bags and pleaded for theirs to be the first she opened. Seras carefully chose a box and Baily squealed happily. Inside were a white beany-baby kitten, birthday addition, and a gift card to Seras's favorite clothes shop _Neon Sunshine_. She hugged Baily and moved on. After digging around, opening present after present, the vampiress found that a few presents from Hellsing people had found their way into the mix.

She recieved a large stuffed lion and a slightly out-of-date music CD from Walter, along with a blood-flavored lollipop he'd made by himself, this she made sure to hide away, lest her friends discover that it was actually blood flavored.

Integra gave her young vampire a copy of Dracula by Bram Stoker, along with a novel titled How to be a Vampire. The messege was subtle, and Seras just told her friends that her Master's niece had a thing for vampires.

Alucard gave her a couple blood packs of B negative, along with a note that said _Happy Birthday. You wouldn't turn down your own birthday present, would you? Cheers--Alucard_Seras narrowly avoided awkward questions by laughing embarrassedly and saying, "Completely eccentric, what did I tell you all? 'Cheers'? Like he actually expects me to drink this?" Haily rolled onto her back on the bed with a bark of laughter, "Yea, it's not like you're a vampire or anything!" Seras's laugh turned nervous, that was just a _bit_ too close to the truth. Or the opposite of the truth...whatever, it had the phrase 'you're a vampire' in it.

It took the triplets plus Jackie and Sarah to move the gigantic present toward where Seras sat. They all flopped to the ground and Sarah panted, "Whoever it's from, they must love you a whole lot more than us." The triplets shook their heads in unison, "Impossible," they giggled.

Seras stood in front of the box, wondering where to start on the mess of tape and wrapping paper. Finally, she just dug her fingernails into the clump at the top and tore through it like a cat sharpening her claws. Her friends cheered her on and threw away the bits of paper that fluttered around.

Seras was just about to pull the exposed lid off the box, wondering who it was from, but in big black letters, it said _**READ THE CARD FIRST**_. Her friends groaned and groped through the trash for the card. When it was finally found, Seras read it aloud.

"To my cherie on her birthday, here's something I know you've wanted for a long time. I know you've never _said_anything, but I can tell, and since it's your birthday, I've decided to stop teasing you. I hope you enjoy it. A lot. Feel free to enjoy it for as long as you like. I'm positive you'll both enjoy each other for a long, long time. Go ahead and unwrap it now--love, Pip." She lowered the card.

"Who's Pip?" Jenna asked. Seras's reply was distracted, who knew what the Wild Geese were up to now? "He...he's French...and he's the--" her reply was cut off as the Frenchman in question burst from the box with a giddy, "Ta-daaaa!!"

Seras stared. And stared. And then she turned away with a screech, rubbing the heels of her hands into her eyes. "No! No no no no nooooo!!" she moaned as she fell to her knees, still rubbing vigorously at her eyes.

--

Pip looked around, his eye wide. He hadn't expected guests, but when he'd heard the voices, he'd prepared himself. They all sounded pretty much the same, so the Captain had figured that there were maybe three or four other women in the room. Twenty-one not counting Seras was not what he'd expected. Pip wasn't bashful at all, normally, but this was a rather awkward situation, considering Seras had read his card aloud. He quickly crouched back inside the box, fumbling with the bow that was...preserving his modesty. It was his only form of clothing at the moment, and it wasn't doing a very good job of hiding what he didn't want seen by a bunch of strangers, however cute they may be.

The girls were panicking, running to the far side of the room and dragging a whimpering Seras away as she continued trying to claw her eyes out. What she had seen would forever be burned into her memory, her retina would need to be scrubbed, and she would need to go to therapy for _years_to get rid of the few moments she'd seen Pip standing there, stark naked, the big blue bow not entirely covering his...she stopped herself there and let out another whimper.

But the image just wouldn't go away, and the worst part was..._she didn't want it to!_ How messed up is that?!

"Alucard!" Jessica suddenly cried.

--

Alucard was so startled to hear that unfamiliar voice call his name that he almost hit his head on the lid of his coffin. After a minute of contemplating whether it was worth it, another shriek and the sound of something falling to the floor with a _thump_ peeked his curiosity.

He arrived at Seras's room moments later, and was just about to open the door when it was flung open by none other than Pip. His eye was wide, his face bright red, he was fleeing the girls' room...because...he...he was...naked.

Alucard's pale face caught the faintest green tinge, and his smirk turned into a grimace from an almost physical pain. As the naked Frenchman ran down the hall, Alucard leaned heavily against the wall, taking deep calming breaths. He didn't need to breathe, but it helped calm him down somewhat. Nicole poked her head outside the door, and when she saw him, she gasped and soon he was surrounded by young women. The one with curly tawny hair, Melissa, seemed the most eager to help him. But luckily for her, the vampire wasn't really in a playful mood at the moment. He was still very close to being sick.

He never wanted to see. Anything. Like. That. Again. That was just wrong.

--

**Later**

Seras sighed as she waved at her friends. The triplets came out, and she stopped them for a moment. "Crystal, River, Catherine," she said, "I am sooo sorry you had to see that. I mean, Pip...he's Master Alucard's son and...I think being eccentric runs in the family or something. So...if you could ever forgive me..." she trailed off uncertainly, looking up with big round eyes. She was surprised when one of them started to laugh. It was the oldest, Crystal.

"Are you kidding? That was the best show ever! And Pip, might I say, is not half bad looking. Both halves looked fine to me. Above the waist, _and_below." she gave a little wink and dug a piece of paper out of her pocket, waving it around triumphantly. "And I got his number!" She skipped merrily away, whipping her bright red hair around. River and Catherine were speechless for once. They looked balefully at Seras, their mouths open like gaping fish, and silently walked off after their sibling.

Seras shook her head sadly, she'd always thought Crystal was a bit weird, even for the triplets, but still...

Hey, who was she to talk? She realized as something almost like jealousy rose within her. She canceled out the jealousy by telling herself that she was going to squish Pip to a pulp the next time they faced each other in the training ring. At least there was _some _bright side to his antic. Her Master hadn't been prowling around the mansion, pouncing on her when she did the littlest human thing. After he'd seen Pip, Alucard had gone very quiet and returned to his chambers for the remainder of the night. She still hadn't seen him around.

After everyone was gone, Seras closed her eyes and half-disgustedly let herself picture Pip in her mind's eye. _Oh no..._her Master fairly moaned in her mind, _Don't you dare, police-girl. Whether I like it or not, your weakness leaves us connected in the smallest and largest way, and I will _not_ have that image seeping into my mind via that connection!_

_--_

How was that? just another little SxP-ish chapter. i figured Pip would want to exploit Seras's birthday to his own advantage, so there you go. Happy birthday Seras, and stop undressing Pip with your eyes. Pip, stop undressing Seras with _your _eyes...eye! Alucard, Integra! Don't even think about it!

Integra:(swoons) too late

Alucard:(looks dazed) woa, that cleared Pip from my mind. I feel loads better now.

Seras:(receives image via Alucard connection) Agh! Master, nooo! It burns!

Integra:(pushes Alucard) stop it! I order you to!

Alucard:(shrugs, pictures himself naked instead)

Me: this is getting too weird.

HEY ALL OF YOU!! YES, YOU THERE, IN THE MONKEY-SUIT!! THAT'S YOU, WALTER! I need birthday ideas really bad. Something funny YAY

Pip's birthday is next...should I even contemplate putting Seras in a box? Make Reviews, Not Flames. Check out my songfic Vampire Heart, it's AxI (rings triangle)

I love you all, my faithful readers! Keep sending in those requests!

**post-script:** I'm in pain. I just cut the tip of my right pinky toe off, and I'm all alone in the house. owie. Stupid stairs. The stairs are made of this iron mesh...stuff, and I tripped, and now my right pinky toe is shorter than my left pinky toe! Can you get replacment pinky toe tips? Ack, bleeding again, just thought you all should know!

(runs off to get more toilet paper)


	10. FILLER CHAP: Sleep Young Integra

Integra sat up in bed, kneeling, and pummeled her pillow with her fists. It was being uncooperative. With an exasperated sigh, the fifteen-year-old threw herself back down onto the mattress; she proceeded to writhe and flop around irritably under the silken sheets until she finished by violently kicking them away from her and huffing as she mashed a pillow against her face with a muffled groan. It was hot. It was hot and muggy. She was going to kill whoever broke the bloody air-conditioning! The two quietly whirring fans on either side of her bed did little more than stir the thick air so that her hair went to plaster onto her sticky face. It was a very unpleasant feeling.

Integra glanced at the digital clock. The numbers were blurry because her glasses lay beside them, but she could make out that it was 2:46AM. She made a whiny sound in her throat and tried to smother herself with her pillow. After a little over a minute she moved the pillow so she could breathe again. Though gasping at the molasses-thick atmosphere could hardly be called breathing, in her opinion.

An idea suddenly struck her, why not go down into the basement? It was underground, and bound to be cooler than all the way up here on the top floor. A second thought struck the idea hard enough to make it swerve off the road. What if Alucard was down there? It'd been two years since the vampire had come under her command, and though his morbid sense of humor still disturbed her a little, she trusted him. What _would _Alucard do if he found her in his domain? Of course, she wouldn't be going into his chambers, but if she lay down in just any old disused bedroom down there, would he leave her alone? Would he wake her up and tease her, like he so often did?

Integra weighed the possibilities. At worst, Alucard would wake her up and not let her sleep until daybreak. At best, she escaped this wretched heat and slept soundly for another three to five hours.

One of the dusty fans suddenly choked. It made a funny spluttering noise and stopped rotating, and then it puttered out. The single fan by itself forlornly wafted dead air toward the girl. The basement it was then.

Integra sat up and swung her legs out of bed. After a moment of considering, she reached down and grabbed the discarded silk pajamas off the floor. If Alucard saw her, it wouldn't be in her underwear. After donning the silvery green, silk nightclothes, she padded across her room barefoot and peeked out her door. The hallways were dark and silent.

It was her house, by every right, but she still kept quiet as a shadow, as if afraid she were going to be caught and scolded any minute. She half-slid down the banister to the ground floor, then she went around many turns until she reached the heavy door that led to the basements. After a slight hesitation, she pulled the great door aside. A welcome gust of cool air pushed her hair back and dried the thin veil of sweat on her face. Integra smiled to herself, despite the creepiness of the basement dungeons, she was going to sleep better there than in her own room tonight.

She tip-toed down the first two steps, then swung the door shut behind her. Bad idea. The faint moonlight had been her only source of light, and now she was for all intents and purposes, blind. Integra felt for the handle of the door, but then something touched her fingertip and scuttled away. It had felt like a spider. God, she hoped it wasn't a spider. Yes, she could face ghouls and vampires, and monster of all sorts, but Integra Hellsing could not _stand_ spiders. They just crawled around...with their big eyes and fangs...and they were just..._there_.

Integra shuddered, then firmly told herself that she was being stupid and that it wasn't a spider. No. It was. Not. A spider. And then she placed a hand on the wall to guide her and hurried down the cold, damp steps. She tried to ignore what sounded like footsteps, sometimes soft padding, sometimes an ominous presence, following her. At the bottom of the stairs, there was a door. Integra opened it and was met with another gust of cool air. But this one seemed just a little stale. No one had been in here for a while.

Her icy blue eyes, accustomed by the dark by now, could barely make out the outline of a bed pushed against the wall, a couple dressers, and two or three writing desks. Several chairs sat stacked next to a counter on the wall. This was some kind of servant's room or something. Whatever, it was cool, it was dark, it was where she was going to sleep.

Integra stumbled over to the bed, hissing a curse as she bumped her hip on the edge of a desk. Then, cradling her newly-bruised hip, she pulled back the covers and slid into the bed.

She squirmed. The sheets didn't feel right, they were too scratchy. Different from the smooth silk she was used to. Integra stopped moving and tried to close her eyes to sleep. But the scritches from the movement of her breathing were reminding her horribly of spiders. Spiders crawling all over her in the bed. With a muffled squeak of sudden panic, she leaped out of bed, made up the covers again, and threw herself back down.

There, that was better. Though it was a little cold down here, with no blanket. Integra silently cursed herself for not bringing even her bathrobe. The chill down here was over everything, and even the spot she lay on for so long didn't seem to grow any warmer. But at least she could breathe down here. At least that was something. With this thought in her head, the girl's exhaustion and will to sleep finally carried her off into a shallow unconsciousness.

--

Alucard exited Integra's room. It was horribly warm up here, and he was yearning for the dank coolness of the dungeons. His young Master had been feeling very distressed a few minutes ago, but now she wasn't in bed. Her mind was blank. She wasn't thinking, but she wasn't dreaming either. She was cold, very cold. The smell in her nose was musty and damp. She was in the basement.

Alucard tilted his head in a quizzical manner and phased through the floor to see what she was up to. Humans didn't belong in the basement. Though perhaps she'd gone down there to escape the mugginess of the upper levels. The vampire was sure that if he could sweat, he'd be covered in a shining layer of it right now.

She was in the room at the bottom of the stairs. Alucard stood in front of the basement door, tasting the remains of her fear from the spider. He didn't understand why humans feared things like spiders, snakes, centipedes. Either way you look at it, humans are bigger and stronger than these minor pests. With a shrug to himself, he walked down the stairs, silent as a shadow, and through the door into the room.

His eyes glowed dimly in the darkness. The blood light was so muted that his eyes almost looked maroon. The young Master was here. But she was so cold.

Alucard stepped up to her bedside and reached out. His gloved fingers rested on her shoulder for a minute, and goose-flesh exploded across her skin. Why wasn't this silly girl under the sheets?

He tried to move the sheets back without waking her, but she gave a muffle protest and stuffed her face into her pillow. Alucard shook his head, she was still wearing her glasses! Such a silly girl!

After his attempts to put her under the sheets failed, he looked around the darkness for another blanket. He searched the dressers in the room. Alucard didn't want to leave because he loved watching his young Master sleep; he did it often, almost every night. She just looked so peaceful. His searching brought forth a musty quilt. He unfolded it and batted it around to free it of the dust, but when he discovered a disturbed nest of spiders that had been nestled in its folds, he crumpled the quilt up and stuffed it back in the drawer. Integra despised spiders, and she'd not thank him for covering her with them.

He stood by her bedside again, a looming figure with glowing red eyes. He watched as Integra shuddered again and goosebumps danced across her flesh. He touched his own arm almost unconsciously; Then he had the answer, his coat!

He slipped the bloodred long coat off, and with infinite care, he draped it over his young Master. Even stretched out as she was, the coat covered her from shoulder to far below her feet. Alucard expected her to drift off then, but she seemed to need to inspect his coat first.

Her hands slid up and grabbed the collar, which she rubbed over her eyes. Then she inhaled deeply a couple of times, as if taking in his scent, and twisted so that she was tightly wrapped in the blood red cloth. Alucard doubted he could get his coat back now even if he wanted to, without waking his Master.

It was almost morning, he might as well stay down here until it was time for him to go to his own resting place. Summoning one of the chairs stacked against the wall, he pulled it under himself soundlessly, and plopped down. His gaze wasn't hungry or teasing for once, it was just curious. It wasn't even morbidly curious, not sarcastic curious. Though innocent was the last word to describe Alucard, that was the closest thing that describes that look as he watched his sleeping master. Just curious.

--

Integra shut her eyes against the dark. Just a habit from shutting them against the light. When she opened her eyes, she couldn't tell if it was morning, for there was no clock. She had no idea how long she'd slept, and hopefully Walter wasn't worrying about her. He worried an awful lot, and it was incredibly annoying sometimes. She'd read the files, she'd even seen a few pictures. He hadn't seemed like the worrying type back then.

She was wrapped in something. Had Walter discovered her and given her a blanket? Well that was nice of him. She looked down at it. She couldn't really see it that well, but it wasn't a blanket. It was a coat. A long coat. Integra couldn't tell what color it was, but as far as she knew, only one person around here wore a long coat and wandered the basements.

"Alucard..." she whispered softly to herself. He must've seen how cold she was, and given her his coat. That was unlike him...but still, it was nice. Nice wasn't like Alucard at all. After a few minutes of pondering, she lay her head back down on the pillow. Integra noticed it was miserably flat. How uncomfortable.

Something stirred by her feet. Something was pressed against her legs, it wasn't warm, but the coat could be masking its body heat. Oh God, don't let it be a rat! Integra was fine with rats, much more so than spiders anyway, but the thought of one in bed with her made her feel a little sick. It moved again, then was completely still. It had shifted closer to her. Did that mean the rat liked her? Oh God, no. It wasn't a rat. No rat. Calm down.

Her legs were tightly strapped together by Alucard's coat, so she couldn't swing them out of bed. Her dark-vision was blurry, and after a little groping, she found her glasses on a chair beside the bed. As she put her glasses back on, a dim red light appeared.

It was from down by her feet. Shooting up in bed, Integra almost laughed out loud with relief, while simultaneously wanting to run from the room with an embarrassed squeak. Another part wanted to snuggle up to him and remain asleep until somewhere around noon. But that was probably just the teenager part of her. She liked to sleep in, not that she got the chance all that often.

--

Alucard peered at his young Master from under heavy black eyelids. It was somewhere around 11:00AM, and he was due to be in his coffin by now. He must've dozed off after joining Integra on the bed. His incredibly bushy black tail re-assuredly thumped the bed a couple of times, and he closed most of his eyes. He had eight glowing red pairs of them from his forehead to the base of his muzzle.

Alucard had taken his black hound form to sleep on the bed. He doubted Integra would've liked him in any other form in the same bed. She blinked at him and hissed, "What're you doing?!"

He closed his last pair of eyes with a smile, resting his head back on his massive black paws again. That...little tone in her voice. She had no intention of leaving, and wasn't going to press him to. Alucard rested his cheek against his Master's leg and replied quietly, "Sleeping, Master..."

It was a few moments before she shifted away from him. Well, he'd expected that. This might be awkward for her, but he was too tired to care at the present moment...

What Alucard had not expected was for Integra's head to come up beside him as she moved her feet to the head of the bed. He didn't move, to hide his surprise, but somehow, she must've sensed it. She laughed quietly, then put her head down on her arms. A while, maybe fifteen minutes, passed before his Master rolled onto her side and put an arm around his burly black shoulders. He lifted his head as she snuggled up to him, making little sleepy noises into his fur.

What was she doing? Was she awake? No...not awake. Such a strange little girl. He looked at her sleeping face fondly before nudging the glasses down the bridge of her nose. These he picked up carefully with his jagged fangs and placed a little ways away. Couldn't have those breaking, now, could we? Then he closed all his glowing crimson eyes and lay his head on his paws...or rather, lay his head on Integra's arm, which she'd put around his chest to hold him close.

Alucard became still like death, while Integra's breathing remained deep and calm. As they both slept...stretched out side by side...together...Good-night...

--

It's like 11:00PM here, and I was feeling fluffy. I don't know if this is fluffy enough for you all, but I hope you like it. I hate not being able to read my stories like an outsider, it's very annoying, because my friends hate Hellsing (gasp) and my little sister just doesn't get it because she's never watched the anime or the ova (gasp2)

Whatever, just a timewaster, check out my other works. Tell me whatcha need from this one, like, no flames or harsh reviews (flinch) but different word choice or something. Stuff to give it a fluffier feel, perhaps a scene you want added? Should Integra stop in the kitchen for milk? She'll not confront Alucard face-to-face until the bed part, so leave that alone.

Make Reviews, Not Flames! lol, that's my pic on my bio. Check it out


	11. Pip's Birthday

_Dedicated to undead-drummer, I hope you like how Seras's training is coming along._

_Dedicated also to Alucard's Vampiress, I hope it's close enough to what you wanted. I just wasn't in that happy drunk mood today. enjoy!_

**Pip's Birthday**

Captain of the Wild Geese, Pip Bernadette, strutted around the outdoor shooting range like a peacock. His men were busy blowing the heads off wooden targets; they were mercenaries, it was just what they did. He lazily dragged off his cigarette, watching the thin white smoke disappear into the dry summer air. Pip didn't even notice the heat, however. Today was a very important day, and his ego was busy eating up every other thought in his mind. He was actually younger than a handful of the Wild Geese, but he was a better leader than any of those slack-jawed muscle-heads.

He checked his watch impatiently, it was a little after 4:30PM. Well, at least that meant Seras would be waking up by now. He grinned to himself, shifting the cigarette around his lips. Perhaps Seras would give _him _a little birthday present. Although...his present for her hadn't gone exactly as planned...he suppressed a shudder and spat out his cigarette, grinding it out with the toe of his boot. He remembered his birthday party _last_ year, all right. That had been great...

--

**Flashback**

They were workin for some old Arabian guy, some months before they joined Hellsing. It was Captain Pip's birthday. But Pip had been sent out to scout, 'cause the geezer was afraid his neighbors were gonna steal his sheep. Pip had hissed some very choice curse-words at this, they were _mercenaries_, not pet-sitters. The old man was paying them well though, so he went out with two or three other guys. Gene had told them to keep the Captain out there for at least another hour, so they could prepare his party.

What the party consisted of was a few of Pip's favorite things: Booze, girls, strobe-lights, booze, and girls. The Wild Geese had completely turned the barracks into a Pip paradise. All they needed was the Pip now.

Gene, a gangly man with blond hair, picked up his walkie-talkie and watched a girl swing her hips in front of his face as he called for the guys. Someone said in the background, "I don't zee any _bear_! What zee hell are you talking about, Bobby?!" Bobby Davis told his captain it must've been a tumbleweed, then put his ear to the walkie-talkie, "Yea? You guys ready?"

"Bring him in," Gene replied stupidly, the motion of the girl's hips enthralling him.

"Gotcha- Cap', time to go!"

--

Pip grumbled to himself, he had to go watch sheep pooping on each other all day, on his birthday, and he never _had_ seen that bear Bobby told him about. His head was drooping and his clothes were dusty as he pushed open the barrack doors. It was already dark outside, and no one had even told him--

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!"

Pip's head shot up, and for a second, he thought he was in Heaven. All the bunks had been pushed up against the walls, and a couple couches had been dragged in from the main house. His men sat sprawled on these couches, two or three girls apiece dancing before them. None of them had sprung up, they just sort of yelled happy birthday while enjoying their lap-dances. Pip hurriedly shut the door and clambered over to an icebox filled to the brim with alcohol. Upon tasting it, Pip sighed, it wasn't warm! There was no sand stuck under the cap either!

"You're the best men a guy could ever azk for!" he said over the deep thudding of the provocative music. Three tawny-skinned women with dark hair came up to him, their see-through clothing making Pip shiver pleasantly. He took two of them in his arms, where they moaned and breathed on his face and neck. He plopped down next to Gene on a couch and let the third girl climb all over him. Between sounds of pleasure, Pip told his friend, "You...set zis up...didn't you?"

Gene's head was lolling back on the couch, his eyes closed as his two girls rubbed their bodies against him, "You got it, Cap'."

"Heh...you alwayz had a vay with ze girls. And zere owners. Where'd you get zem?"

Gene paused as he lifted his head long enough for his tongue to explore a woman's mouth before replying, "We're lucky this guy is payin us so much to watch his pet sheep. What you see before you is almost half a brothel."

"You're zee best, mate."

"I know, Cap'."

As the night went on, the Wild Geese got progressively more and more drunk. They laughed raucously and stared as their girls clustered together. Pip was the drunkest of them all, and kept ordering his men to sing him happy birthday, which they joyfully obliged.

They were going on the fifteenth time when the door to the barracks suddenly burst open. Pip blearily looked over at the man standing in the doorway. He was a bit preoccupied with the girl sliding her hands down his pants right now to notice that it wasn't the old man, but his strong son. With a roar, the burly man threw himself at Pip and yanked him and the woman apart. Pip glared at him with his one eye and slurred, "Eh...waitgur turn. Getchr own." And then he tried to free his shirt from the man's grasp.

He was violently shaken, and this sobered him up a little as his men stood around, staring stupidly.

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING WITH MY SISTER, EH!?"

This took about ten seconds to register in Pip's brain, and then he knew he was in trouble. He'd messed with tough-guys' sisters before, and it had never ended well...though it was always good while it lasted. The girl writhed and snarled, "Let go of me! I love him, now let go!"

Okay, this is where Pip would usually back out. When a woman says 'I love you' then it's time to find a new one. And this news just seemed to make the big brother angrier. "YOU WHAT?!" he screamed at his sister, shaking her too. He threw her from the barracks, and slammed the door behind her, though her muffled screeches of protest could be heard on the other side of the door. Pip's brain took another five seconds to register the fact that he was now in a fist-fight, which was too long to warn him of the big brown fist hurtling his way.

The first blow sent him flying across the room, into a bunk, and then big brother took out a pocket knife. "Now zat," Pip said frantically, "eez cheating. Bringing a knife to a fist-fight, zat eez dishonerable." Oh, what he wouldn't give to have the knife right now. Big brother paid no mind, but advanced with a terrible face. The sounds of guns being loaded stopped him in his tracks. Pip looked around, he'd been wrong. This man had brought a knife to a gun-fight.

He backed away slowly, pushed past a couple of girls, and ran from the barracks, dragging his screaming sister by the arm back to the house. "Eh," Pip muttered, "So much for a happy birthday."

--

The next morning, Pip awoke on a bunk with two woman in his arms, one by his feet, and two on his chest, along with another one who'd fallen on the floor in her sleep. He blinked open his eye and surveyed the trashed barracks. Looked like one hell of a party had taken place. Which it had.

_Which it had!_ Pip grinned to himself as he remembered last night with these lovely women. He was just about to drift off again when Gene burst through the door, startling some of the scattered men and women out of their sleep. Gene looked scared out of his mind. "What's wrong?" Pip called as he sat up in bed, the girls making little sleepy noises against him.

"I've done it...I've done it now..."

"Done what?!"

"I'VE PISSED OFF THE WRONG GUY!!" Gene screamed, loud enough that all the Wild Geese were awake. Then there was a mad scramble for clothes, belongings, and booze. 'I've pissed off the wrong guy' is pretty much what it sounds like. For the Wild Geese, it's a signal that means it's time to split, and fast, never mind the paycheck. Whatever Gene had done, he'd just told them all it was time to run, and from the look of him, he'd really pissed off _the_ wrong guy.

Pip was just lacing up his boots when Gene cried, "I can see them! They're coming! Hurry up! I God, we're so screwed..."

"What zee hell did you do?!"

"I did it for you! I stole half a brothel!"

Pip's eye widened and he yelled, "But you told me you bought it with our paycheck!"

"I LIED!!"

And with that, every member of the Wild Geese started to panic. They all flooded out of the barracks, leaving behind confused and naked women. They rushed to the jeeps and could hear angry yelling behind them. They had to dodge gunfire as they sped away over the dunes, and one of the jeeps wobbled as a back tire was almost shot out. In the end, they made it out okay, but Gene's face was plastered all over the place, and he was banned from every brothel in the country. This made him unhappy, but the Wild Geese decided it was what he deserved.

All the same, Pip had had a _wild _time. That was definitely his fondest birthday memory...

--

**End Flashback**

Pip tensed as he opened the door to the barracks, preparing himself for a surprise. And indeed, the gang was all here. There were less girls than last time, but more booze, so it was fine by him. When it came to opening presents, Pip went nuts.

He snatched a box out of the pile, and received a gigantic serrated hunting knife from Allen, and from Bobby Davis...an Easter egg?

"What'z zis about?" he said, holding the brightly colored egg up.

"Stick it down your pants, you jackass," Bobby retorted. He still was a little sore...emotionally, about the whole Easter thing(he was sore physically too, but I just figured you'd want to know the difference).

Then came what Pip had been saving for last, the presents from the Hellsing people. Alucard gave him a large box in glittering red wrapping paper, with a silver and black bow on top. It looked so beautiful, Alucard must've taken forever to wrap it. He quickly tore the paper away and grabbed the lid off the box. there was a piece of paper laying face-down in the bottom. That was it? This whole huge box for a piece of paper? Maybe it was a check, or a certificate to the nearest strip-club for a free lap-dance...no, it was just a piece of paper with the letters _**I.O.U**_ in thick black ink. Ah well, he hadn't really expected anything from that messed-up vampire anyway.

From Walter he received a new type of grenade, one that threw spikes hundreds of feet in all directions when it exploded. Pip strapped them onto his grenade belt and admired them there for a minute before moving on.

Integra's present was nothing special, in fact, it was the closest to a joke he'd ever seen her do. Well, besides the April Fool's thing, but that didn't count. She had given him a glass eye. Pip touched his eye patch with the tips of his fingers. The eye was a startling shade of florescent pink. He'd never wear it, of course, but he made a mental note to try the thing in later.

The last one was Seras Victoria's present. After her birthday, he hadn't really expected one from her. What could it possibly be? Well, the only way to find out was to open it. The men laughed when they saw what was inside the box. It looked like a jack-in-the-box. "Ha ha ha," Pip said sarcastically. All the same, he began to wind the toy to see what would come out of it. The familiar jack-in-the-box song came out, but not the regular puppet on a spring.

It looked like a pair of hangs, female hands to be sure, but not Seras Victoria's. They were black and skinless, like shadows made solid. And then they went down on the floor, picked the box up off the ground, and tottered closer to him. When the box was right in front of him again, the box was set down, and the hands raised themselves up toward his face. Pip was frozen.

--

Seras squinted through the window of the barracks, and suddenly she swiped her right arm in a hook, with her fingers curved like claws. The satisfying sound of Pip's surprised yelp made her grin. Alucard stood behind her, hands behind his back as he observed. "Now, make sure you concentrate. Concentrate or the shadows will loose their form." Seras chuckled darkly and clawed out with her left hand, her pale red eyes slightly narrowed with concentration. Pip screeched again from inside, and Seras giggled. "This...this is _fun_, Master!" she said, not taking her eyes away from the window. She made her arms go stiff, and moved them as if she were imitating a turtle, and inside, the box began to chase Pip around the room.

Alucard grinned and nodded his head approvingly. Training and revenge, such a wonderful combination. Even Seras seemed to be enjoying herself. Perhaps the French Pig should invoke his fledgling's wrath more often...

Seras giggled again as she gave a little hop and wrapped her arms around something invisible. Inside, the box was piggy-backing on Pip while his men roared with laughter and the black fingers scratched at his shirt.

Even Alucard gave a little chuckle.

--

(evil laugh) how did you like that? Pip's birthday wasn't as wildly drunk as the New Year's party, but I just wasn't in that playful drunk mood. I hope you all liked my filler chapter, I was so bored, and I'd been wanting to write a Young IxA sleepy fic for a time. I got to see Iron Man for the second time yesterday. I love how they're setting up, like, every Marvel Studios movie for a sequel. You have X-Men and Spiderman, and then there's Ghost Rider, which they set up, Iron Man, which they set up, and any others I'm forgetting they probably set up too.

OMG LOOK AT THAT!! LOOK I TELL YOU!! THE DIRECTOR TOOK THE LINK OFF THE WEBSITE, DAMMIT!! there's gonna be a life-action Hellsing movie, and they're going to ruin Alucard's character, I know it. It's gonna focus on Seras, which sucks. I hope it's based off the ova and goes on and on like the Harry Potter movies or something. The anime was okay, but Incognito is stupid. He's genderless and still remains a **he**. That makes no sense.

(sets up chant with the crowd) OVA! OVA! OVA! OVA!

Yea, that would be nice. I hope Pip's birthday was everything you wished it would be and more. Up next is Walter's birthday, which I have nothing. Tell me what to do!! After that is Halloween!! Yay! Alucard's gonna be a vampire for Halloween!! Should I make it Young Integra? Answer me!

Questions to be answered in reviews: What do you want for Walter's birthday? Should Halloween be Young Integra? What do you want for Halloween? Do these shorts make me look fat?

"Will you go out with me?"

"I will not tolerate inappropriate behavior in this class."

"Is that a no?"--Dalas and Mr. Schwendinger, Kyle gave Dalas fifty dollars to ask him out.

Dalas is a guy. Mr. Schwendinger is a perve/prick/dickwad/crackhead. And yes, his name is Mister Schendinger. Sh-when-dinger


	12. Walter's Birthday

**dedicated to Relks the Disturbed, I hope I got it right, I sort of have an 'iffy' feeling about this one :)**

**Walter's Birthday**

Walter sighed as he dug through the dryer, trying to fit the neatly folded clothes into a single basket. Three of the twelve washer machines were shaking gently as they hummed, and five out of the twelve dryers held the loud clicking of zippers and buttons against metal. The old butler finally stuffed the clothes into the basket, and had he not been so practiced, he would have blushed at what was on top of the pile. It was a particularly lacy red set of Miss Victoria's underwear.

In curly black writing it said

_Hell's gates arrested And shine Heaven now_

How she'd managed to find a pair of such wonderfully frivolous panties with those particular words on them was far beyond Walter. He noticed he was leaning down to better observe the underwear, and straightened up immediately, mashing a gloved palm against his face; tightly shutting his eyes. Had he really just thought that? Had he really just thought _'wonderfully frivolous panties'?_

He made a weird sigh-grunting noise and snatched a pair of random pink shorts off a dryer, hurriedly folding them and precariously balancing them on top of the pile. Then, almost lovingly, he picked the remaining items from the dryer's belly. His special gloves. He fondled them, running his fingertips over the seemingly transparent strings so neatly curled around the black material. They were his most prized possessions, and he still knew how to use them.

Walter gave a small smile that echoed the spirit of the sinister fourteen-year-old he had once been. Finally, he placed the gloves on top of the pink shorts and walked away. He had several files to deliver to Sir Integra before putting away the laundry. As he walked down the hall, the old butler started singing Happy Birthday under his breath, passing Captain Bernadette on the way. He dipped his head in response to the Frenchman's jaunty salute.

--

Pip hitched up the baggy green sweatpants he was wearing. Jack had loaned them to him because a few weeks ago, on his birthday, a certain extremely cute draculina had used her shadow arms to rip up most of his clothing. Pip was going to check the laundry on the off-chance that some of his trousers had survived the destruction.

He'd noticed that Walter was muttering Happy Birthday to himself. And the butler had been doing laundry. Sheesh, didn't the guy ever take a day off, even on his own birthday?! Pip shook his head sadly as he pushed open the laundry-room door, what was the guy now, sixty-nine? Poor guy was gonna kill himself.

Pip set about digging around a pile of clothes that were still warm from the dryer. A particularly lacey pair of underwear imediately caught his attention. He froze, still holding the pink shorts.

_Hell's gate arrested and shine Heaven now_

What did that even mean? It was just as baffling as what Alucard had printed on the lid of his coffin! All the same, Pip was not about to waste the opportunity to play around with Seras's panties. He picked them up with the tips of his fingers and formed them into a slingshot. The red and black undergarment went sailing across the room.

He was just about to retrieve it to shoot again when he noticed the pink shorts laying on the floor. On the backside of the pink fabric it said in red letters, _Bite me I'm French_

Pip almost fell to his knees in dismay. Those were his favorite shorts. And Walter had turned them bright pink. He looked at the red underwear across the room, and then the contents of the basket. They were all tinged slightly pink, but his poor shorts had bore the brunt of the color-shock.

"Dammit! Dammit dammit dammit dammit!" Pip snarled, wanting to rip something apart. He needed revenge...now!

Walter's prized gloves immediately caught his eye. Pip snatched them up and clutched them as a scary smile lit up his face. The Captain had a plan.

--

Walter was in the middle of agreeing with Integra about how Iscariots were nothing but mindless dogs when the intercom came on. A male voice with a thick French accent was muttering, "Eez zis zing on? Shouldn't zere be a light or somzing? Oh!" Finally realizing that the intercom was indeed functioning, Walter and Integra stared at the speaker box on the ceiling as Pip made his announcement.

"Hello Walter. I know you're leestening, so leesten good. I have your precious gloves."

It took Walter an enormous effort to keep the rage and anxiety from his face, and he felt Integra's gaze boring holes into the side of his head.

"I realize eet eez your birthday, zo I am willing to make a deal. I have hidden your gloves togezer somewhere around zee mansion. Eef you find zem, you may keep zem. But for all of you ozzers leestening in, eef you find zem before our good old butler, zen you are zeir new owner. Bien d'accord Walter? Bon anniversaire, au revoir!"

And the intercom went off with a screech of static and a click.

Walter looked mildly at Integra, though the panic was starting to rise in his chest, either threatening to make him kill the Captain or have a heart-attack. Though he couldn't see why he couldn't do both. Integra looked at him and nodded slowly, interlacing her fingers as her gaze shifted to the documents on her desk as if nothing had happened. Walter strained too keep his steps unhurried and nonchalant, but as soon as Sir Integra's office door swung shut behind him, he was sprinting toward the intercom room down the hall.

When he burst in, the swivel-chair was still spinning slightly, and it still smelled like cigarette smoke. He'd just missed him. "Dammit," the butler swore as he spun on his heel. After running around the hallways like a chicken without its head for several minutes, Walter bumped into Miss Victoria. Her pale face blushed bright red and she looked away as if she were ashamed.

"Miss Victoria," Walter panted, "Wh-what are you doing up so early in the day?"

Seras shuffled her feet awkwardly and murmured, "I...heard an announcement...the intercom...and I just thought..."

Walter backed away, his eyes widening, Seras wanted his gloves too! He just didn't know who to trust anymore! As he sprinted off down the way he'd come, Seras called after him, "You just make them look so cool Walter!"

Walter spent the better part of his birthday hurrying around the mansion, looking for his precious gloves. Twice more he ran into Seras, and he also met various members of the Wild Geese, including Bobby Davis, who was finally back on his feet again.

--

Walter leaned against the wall, sweat beaded his face and his heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest. Maybe he _would_ have a heart-attack. He sure was old enough to. "Happy Birthday old boy," he rasped to himself. Some birthday.

He shuffled down the grand staircase and into the entrance hall, and he looked up at the ceiling, muttering, "Why me?" And he saw his gloves hanging from the chandelier. Walter's eyes went wide, and his monocle almost fell out. He didn't have a ladder tall enough for that, but he knew someone who could get them down for him.

"Alucard!!"

The red-clad vampire took his time appearing, and he looked up at the light fixture with a smirk. "Well that sure took you long enough," he sneered. Walter looked at Alucard with angry eyes, "You knew where they were this whole time!? And you didn't tell me?!"

Alucard shrugged and went over to the nearest wall, walked up it onto the ceiling, and grabbed the gloves, unceremoniously dropping them on Walter's head. He leaped down and landed on his feet with a perfectly exacuted flip. He looked at the things Walter held in his hands and began to laugh. He threw back his head and roared with manic laughter, clutching his sides. Alucard was still laughing as he sunk through the floor.

Walter stared at them. They weren't his gloves. They were mittens with dental floss tied around the thumb.

"Dammit Pip!" he roared at the ceiling, "What did I do to deserve this?!"

"You turned my favorite shorts pink!"

Walter turned and looked into the den, where the Captain was standing beside the couch, wearing the pink shorts he'd folded earlier. Oh crud, he was right, they were his shorts. Walter remembered the red pair of Seras's underwear in the washer and dryer. Dammit.

But what really caught the butler's eye was what Pip held in his hands. His gloves. His precious gloves had been with Pip this whole time. Walter looked down at the mittens he was holding and slowly slipped them onto his own hands. Pip laughed, "You really zink you can do much damage with dental flozz?"

Walter's only reply was to flick his wrists, wrap the dental floss around his gloves, and snatch them from Pip in a little less than two seconds.

Pip looked like he might wet his pink pants as Walter discarded the mittens and pulled his gloves on with a relish and a sinister grin.

--

"Help! Get me down! Zir Integra, look at what Walter 'as done! Help!"

Walter finished tying off the knot on the banister of the grand staircase, and watched with his normal easy-going smile as the Captain swung upside down, hanging from the chandelier.

"You might want to be careful, Mister Bernadette," he called up, "You wouldn't want to fall, would you?"

Pip's struggling stopped immediately. Integra came walking delicately down the stairs and placed a hand on her butler's shoulder. "Happy birthday Walter," she said, the sincerity evident in her voice. Walter dipped his head, "Thank you Sir Integra."

Integra handed him an envelope, but told him what was inside it anyway, "A free vacation to the country of your choosing, anywhere in Europe, or you can go to the Americas. You really deserve it after all of this."

Walter took the envelope without a word, only a little nod, but inside he was jumping up and down, dancing and cheering:

_YES! YES! HAHAHAHAAAA! Just what I needed!! So long suckers!! That's right Pip, you can just kiss my old man's ass! I win, you bastard!!_

--

So yea, Walter had a very happy birthday. And I just want you all to know, several days later, just out of spite, Walter told Seras that Pip had been playing with her underwear. She and Alucard ended up using Pip while practicing hypnotism. To this day he still wonders why, when someone says the word Hamster, he feels the need to run around with his hair unbraided shouting that he's a fairie princess. It's really quite amusing to watch.

I can put that in if you'd like, just a short little chap of what Seras made Pip do while hypnotizing him. Im not sure whose POV it would be in, so make sure you give me some feedback on that. I am also going to give Walter that vacation, and panic/hilarity shall ensue in the Hellsing mansion.

Because Walter does everything for everybody. How would they manage?

Questions to be answered in your reviews: do you want a Seras hypnotizing Pip in a chapter? Whose POV do you want that chap to be in? Shall Seras hypnotize Pip to kiss her when Alucard is gone? What hilarity shall ensue after Walter leaves for a week? Where do babies come from?

"I have a motto. I'm not allowed to hit or kick anything that I'm not allowed to hold in public. Think about it."--my friend Lyndsay

"Bien d'accord Walter? Bon anniversair, au revoir!"

"Okay Walter? Happy birthday, goodbye!"


	13. Hypnotizing Pip

**dedicated to Matoska, this isn't exactly what you wanted, like, at all, but you were the only one who answered all the questions about what you wanted. Happy Day for you!**

**Hypnotizing Pip**

Pip was in bed, sleeping, like any normal human in the Hellsing mansion. Not that there were many of those around in the first place. He was still sore and bore several painful welts from being strung up from the chandelier for almost eight hours. The Captain turned over onto his back, muttering something about a G-string. A white-gloved hand clapped down over his mouth, and as soon as his eye shot open, he was unconscious once more.

--

"...you think you know the basics?"

"Yes Master. I know what to do."

"Any ideas? This will give you total control over him, and I expect you'll be wanting revenge."

"Um...yes Master. I have a couple thoughts. First-"

"Look, he's coming to."

"Finally!"

Pip cracked open his eye. He felt woozy, and everything was dark. "I'm...I'm blind!" he said in a panicked whisper. His voice echoed, and suddenly he could see. Not much, but...two red pinpricks in the darkness...no, four of them. They were glowing brighter and brighter. Until Pip could finally see their faces. Okay, this was worse than being blind.

He was strapped to a chair, in the basement, where no one could hear him screaming, with two vampires. One of which was completely insane, the other was admittedly cute, but hated his guts at the moment. Oh God, he was so screwed.

Hearing his thoughts, Seras giggled just a little too fiendishly for Pip's liking and said, "Oh yes, payback time. This'll teach you to go digging through my laundry!"

Alucard rolled his eyes, that wasn't exactly the best battle-cry he'd ever heard. Oh well, revenge is sweet and excitement was coming off Seras in waves. "Remember," he said as Seras bent her face close to Pip's, "don't break eye-contact with him, or something could go...horribly wrong." He didn't bother to keep the sinister tone out of his voice, horribly wrong was alright with him. Alucard looked at Seras, briefly searching her mind. When he found that she did indeed know the proper technique to hypnotize someone, he grinned approvingly and told her, "I think you have it under control- for once -so this is where I leave you." He cast Pip a glance, "Have fun." and he disappeared into thin air.

Pip trembled terribley against his restraints. 'Have fun'? Was that directed at him or Seras? Either way, it didn't sound too good. Damn, why did he have to go and fling those panties across the room? Why? Why? Why?! Dammit all!

--

Seras kept her sinister grin until she was absolutely sure Alucard was gone, then she sighed and let her threatening posture slip into a relieved slump. She looked at Pip and almost let out a bark of laughter. The Captain was trembling in his chair, his eye screwed tightly shut, looking like he was about to pee his pants. Wow, what a Kodak moment. Too bad she didn't have a camera.

Her feelings of satisfaction were short-lived though, and she set about undoing the shadows that bound Pip to the chair. Her Master had let her do them herself. As soon as the black tendrils started to move, however, Pip gave a panicked squeak, and for a moment, Seras thought he really had messed his pants. Then she saw the way his head slumped onto his shoulder, and she couldn't help but giggle as she undid the shadowy restraints. Pip, captain of the mercenary band the Wild Geese, cocky Frenchman, and pervert of the century...had passed out in a dead faint.

"Pip," she muttered, poking him sharply with a finger. "Hey, wake up!"

He finally came to with a start, and grinned as he realized he was no longer bound to the chair. "Mon petite cherie," he said silkily, "Ah, zank you for gettin' me out of zis mess. I knew you wouldn't actually-"

Pip's little speech was cut short as Seras jerked him to his feet by his arm, "Come on!" she hissed, "Master could be back at any moment!"

As she dragged him through the winding halls of the basement, hesitantly pulling him through the occasional wall or locked door, Pip managed to ask her, "Vhat vas going on zere? Vhat were zee two of you planning on doing?"

_You scared me shitless_, he added mentally, remembering too late that his companion could read minds.

As Seras winced and yanked him through another wall, she replied, "Master thought that I would like to practice hypnotism on you. You know, after-"

"After I did somezing completely inappropriate. I am sorry, mon cherie, vill you forgive me?"

Seras looked at Pip as they finally reached the outside. It was nice and cool, with just the littlest breeze. Pip didn't usually...scratch that. Pip didn't ever talk like that, the moron never apologized for anything unless his own ass was on the line. He was probably afraid that she was going to hypnotize him to do something to embarrass him. Not a bad idea, but not right now; right now was escape time.

Continuing to haul Pip along, Seras dragged him across the perfectly manicured lawn, toward a grove where the shelter of the trees and tall grasses might hide them both from her Master until daylight. Alone with Pip for a whole night...For a moment, Seras considered actually doing what her Master had told her to do and just hypnotize the Frenchman. She didn't even have to make him do something stupid...

But the little draculina was a naturally soft and kind-hearted girl, and even though the revenge for her birthday party had satisfied her for a while, afterwords she'd felt terrible. It was only because Pip was...Pip that she hadn't gone and apologized to him. No, she couldn't do it. She couldn't hypnotize him. Even as she realized this, Seras decided it was just because she was a terrible vampire, instead of the more probable explanation that she had...certain feelings for the Captain.

As deep in thought as she was, Seras carelessly flung Pip down into the grove, right onto a bramble bush.

"Merde!" Pip gasped as he leaped back up, collapsing beside the vampiress into the tall grasses, already yellowed by the approaching autumn. "Eh," he said as he picked a thorn out of his pajama trousers, "Zo vhat do ve do now?"

Seras whipped her head around and glared at him, her pale red eyes glowing slightly. Pip flinched inwardly and realized his mistake, he chuckled as if brushing it off and said, "Do not vorry, mon cherie. After being kidnapped, I do not zink I am, eh...in ze mood."

Seras raised her right hand in a fist, the muscles in her arms tensing as her fingers curled inward. The muscles in her jaw also clenched as she gritted her fangs. Pip gave an awkwardly apologetic grin and shifted a couple inches away to show that he was no threat. After that, he wisely kept his mouth shut.

Seras slowly calmed down and lowered her fist, splaying it out on the ground as she used her arms to prop herself up. Pip took up the same position, except his legs were crossed instead of stretched out in front of him.

They sat like that for about an hour, not saying a word to one another. Seras saw the way Pip's neck flexed as he held in a yawn. Inevitably, her gaze traveled up to his strong jaw, recently shaven with just a little bit of strawberry-blond stubble; the eyepatch, somehow it gave his face character, and she realized she didn't know how he'd lost his eye in the first place; down to his lips. They looked so strong, which was an odd word to describe one's lips but accurate nonetheless, and soft at the same time. Seras could just imagine how warm those lips would be, pressed against her own...pressed all over her body...

Giving herself a mental shake, Seras rolled her eyes at the moon and dug her fingers into the leaf-litter. Before she knew it, her fingers were crawling across the ground to her left. As soon as they met another hand, they made themselves comfortable nestled by the warm fingers and settled there. She kept her eyes trained on the sky above, trying to keep a blush from creeping into her face.

The draculina felt Pip's gaze on her, and tried to ignore him by counting the stars; there weren't very many because of the lights off the road and from the city. He shifted closer to her, just a little, and put his legs out in front of him, so they were sitting side-by-side in identical positions. Pip was stealthily easing his hand over Seras's. She noticed, but pretended not to until his rough hand completely enveloped her own. They both kept staring at the stars, Seras because she didn't know what else to do, and Pip because he didn't want to scare the draculina off. He was trying a new technique: taking it slow.

After another half hour or so, Seras's neck was starting to feel the strain from craning upwards so long, so she drew her hand out from under Pip's with some reluctance and lay on her back. She was still able to see the night sky through the swaying branches of the trees.

Several lonely moments went by for her before Pip sighed and collapsed in the leaf-litter next to her, bringing his arms up behind his head with a. She relaxed and felt his gaze flicker to her more than once. Relinquishing all her doubts and half-hearted feelings of distastetoward the Frenchman, Seras wanted more than anything for Pip to roll over, encircle her in those strong arms, and kiss her, whisper her name.

"Seraz. Seraz?"

She was jerked back to the real world with an unceremonious thud by the one she'd been fantasizing over. A little bit peeved, her reply was snappish, "What? What do you want?" She immediately felt bad when Pip actually sounded a little hurt.

"You shivered a moment ago, and I zought zat you might be cold. Zat's all."

"Oh," Seras replied awkwardly, "Ehm...yea, it is a bit chilly out."

Pip's gaze flickered to her again. "Do you vant to move a bit closer? Just to keep warm." he added.

Seras hesitated, but then she decided _what the heck_ and agreed. "All right. Just a bit closer."

It was torture for Pip to move so slowly when he just wanted to jump on top of her, but going slow seemed to work for her. Perhaps she was finally warming up to him!

They both shifted so that Seras was pressed up against Pip's side; he drew his arm over his chest so that she could move closer, which she did.

Seras found Pip's heat comforting. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been warm, not that she ever noticed being cold, that is. After a while, Pip's breathing became deep and steady, and the heartbeat she tried so hard to tune out was coming slower. He was asleep. And before she knew it, the warmth and the company of someone she admittedly liked (a lot) had forced her against her nocturnal nature, and she was asleep as well.

--

Alucard stomped around the Hellsing mansion, cursing his fledgling and her soft spot for the French Pig. She was shielding her mind from him quite well, as well as the Captain's, at least that part of her training had gotten through her thick skull. He was just in the midst of swearing quite loudly in the entrance hall when suddenly Seras's mental barriers faded away, along with the Captain's. The way their minds were drifting about, Alucard could tell that they were both asleep.

He traced their memories to where they were hidden, and stalked through a wall, around the corner of the mansion, and toward a grove on the other side of the manicured lawn.

When he reached the two of them, he was appalled at what he found.

Seras was curled up against Pip's side, with his right arm around her shoulders. Her head was resting on his chest, rising and falling with the rhythm of his breathing. If the damn mercenary hadn't been a member of Hellsing, Alucard would've stopped that breathing there and then.

But he didn't fancy getting struck in the temple with the silver ashtray that Integra seemed to keep on her person at all times. It didn't hurt him, but it was...an unpleasant experience.

It wasn't that the vampire had any romantic feelings for his fledgling, it was just the fact that _she_ had romantic feelings for a _human_, and this _particular _human as well! Filthy French Pig.

Alucard probed both their minds to make sure they hadn't done anything...X-rated. He found nothing, lucky for the two of them. What he did find were several memories of Seras attempting to hypnotize Pip, making him believe he was a fairie princess at the mention of the word 'hamster'. Perhaps his fledgling had something right after all.

Contrary to his nature, he let them both alone, figuring that when they woke up, the momentary confusion of where they were would allow Seras enough time to do some damage.

--

Seras cracked an eye open as her Master walked away again in the direction of the mansion. She'd only just managed to plant those fake memories in Pip's brain before Alucard had read them. Close call. She nestled closer to Pip, liking the feeling of his breathing beneath her head. She closed her eye again.

As far as she knew, the fake memories would be just that, memories.

But she didn't know about the little side-affect. Pip would indeed feel the need to act like a fairie princess every time someone said the word 'hamster', but he would have a choice. He would be able to fight the urge, though the first couple times he would be taken by surprise, resulting in an awkward situation or two. Nothing serious, and either way, he wouldn't be any the wiser to what was going on.

--

Alrighty then. There you have it. I got a complaint from someone (not naming any names) that I was torturing Pip a bit much, lolz, so I decided to make this a little PxS chap. So nyea, now you can't flame me unless you're a jerkass. That's right, jerkass is totally a word.

Have fun you crazy kids. BTW, merde is F--K in french. I accidentally looked it up on FreeTranslation. Yes, accidentally. Don't judge me.

Oi, I must give y'all a warning, sometime in July I will be venturing off and shall be held prisoner at an establishment that has no Internet connection. I will continue to write my stories, so please keep reviewing. Just to let you all know, here's the lineup:

Walter's Vacation, Halloween, Guy Fawke's Day, Integra's Birthday, Alucard's Birthday, Christmas Day, AxI anniversary, and Young Integra's birthday.

Walter's Vacation, Guy Fawke's Day, AxI anniversary, and Young Integra's birthday already have plots/ideas and stuff, so please no suggestions for those or I'll feel bad for not using them. I'm a softy, what can I say? So here are your questions to be answered in your kindly reviews: What do you want for Halloween? What do you want for Integra's birthday? What do you want for Alucard's birthday? Do you have present ideas for Christmas, cause w/all the birthdays, I'm almost out? Do you have alternate personalities, like me?

And that would be all. Have a happy time, and I'd just like to say that my sister's birthday is tomorrow, so Happy Day for her.

Make Reviews, Not Flames. And wish me sister a happy birthday. Happy Day to all of you, and thank you to **Ob5idian** for presenting me with the phrase 'pipinabox', I love using it in random situations.

(begins to dance wildly to the music of a polka band) Make Reviews, Not Flames!

ps: EVERYONE, GET DOWN WITH THE SICKNESS!! that's Distubed's best song, I promise. :)


	14. Halloween

**Dedicated to Metropolis Kid, sorry this took so long, thanks for the Girlycard idea, and thanks for being so darn polite all the time! :D -this happy face is just for you**

**Dedicated to all of you, my faithful readers. Here's a shout-out just because I'm bored and I want to make you all fell special--**

**Metropolis Kid, MegFallow, BigKwell, Matoska, Marajsky, Alucard's Vampiress, beserker beast, Bakemono Hana, Blaze Pheonix, HellsingVampireLuna, Relks the Disturbed, Sammich Man, KURRYdaJIGGAmonkey, undead-drummer, OhDessy, SandstormxFirestar, DarkestVampire, Talex Wyldcard, RainbowAquila, rosiepops, 0b5idian. **

**Ya know I think y'all are just great! Keep reviewing, it makes me happy! (begins to glow bright green)**

Every Halloween, Sir Integra let Alucard have free rein of just one level of his powers, just because it was his favorite holiday. Now, if you believed that, I want you to know that you're barking mad. Do you have _any_idea about the havoc he would wreak with just _one_ _bit _of his powers? The whole mansion would be transformed into a fiery hell-pit before the trick-or-treaters even got out! My Gosh, people, get some common sense!

(to people who cannot afford common sense because of your current salary, then I understand, and mean no offense to you whatsoever)

--

Young Integra Hellsing was shuffling around her room, occasionally shooting venomous glances at the assortment of costumes strewn across her bed. Walter had delivered them to the girl's room in a neat bundle, carefully laying each one out across her comforter.

Setting her jaw, Integra stopped pacing at the foot of her bed and glared at the silly outfits. She would not throw a tantrum, she would not admit defeat, and she would _NEVER_ forgive Walter for forcing her to do this.

'"It's your last _year_!" she sneered to the empty air, "It'll be good for you to do something _normal_ girls do!"'

_Good for me my as-_

This pleasant little thought was cut off by the sound of her bedroom door opening. In the three seconds it took for Walter to stick his not-as-old-as-it-is-at-the-present-time face in the door, Integra had rushed over to her dresser and was carefully running a comb through the already-perfect strands of golden hair.

"Integra? Aren't you ready yet?" He asked, masking the impatience in his tone well. Integra turned to look at him over her shoulder and replied, "Almost. I just wanted to put my hair up for that..._lovely_," her voice dripped with honey, "dog costume you were _so kind_ to pick up just for _me_."

Walter flashed her a small smile, said, "You'll feel better when we're actually out there, you'll see," and left.

Oh, that was the other thing: Walter insisted that she be accompanied by him when she went trick-or-treating. A teenager accompanied by what others would deem her grandfather or something following her around. Great, and here she was thinking that since she controlled her own organization, she would get to be calling all the shots around her. Just peachy.

--

Fifteen minutes later, Integra was fuming on the inside, and she was surprised she hadn't snapped and hit someone over the head with a blunt object or something already. She looked at herself in the mirror.

There she was, a teenage girl dressed in a hairy brown costume with a floppy tail attached to her bum; huge gloves and things that went over her shoes that looked like paws; a headband with ears, and a muzzle shaped like a party-hat that made her look like a rat.

Yes, hitting someone with a blunt object sounded good right now...perhaps she should call Walter up here...as soon as his back was turned...she'd grab that bedside lamp...and he'd never know what hit him.

These thoughts, certainly appropriate for a teenager, were interrupted as her mirror fogged over. The veil began to grow darker, until it was black as the starless midnight. Red coals began to swirl around, like pinpricks of blood. They revealed slitted pupils that widened in rare surprise, then narrowed in amusement. The vaguest outline of a mouth opened, and fangs showed as the whole mirror began to rock with laughter that could only be heard behind the once-reflective surface.

Integra drew herself up indignantly, her brow contorting in anger as her eyes practically showed the many ways she was planning on testing Alucard's immortality. The vampire began to pull himself out of her mirror, a single gloved hand emerging first. This was followed by an unusually long arm clad in red, a broad shoulder that had to morf its shape to squeeze through the mirror, and finally that head. That big, fat, stupid head that had that big, fat, stupid smirk plastered under his nose.

"I swear," Integra said, each syllable trembling with rage, "You say _one damned word__, _and I swear I'll kill you. I'll search as long as I have to to find a way to kill you. _One word__!_"

Alucard pull the rest of him through the mirror, doing an artful sort of back flip so he was standing on the opposite wall. He sat down with a flourish of his long coat, legs crossed, and simply looked at her, grinning. He finally opened his mouth to say something, but was sharply cut off by Integra's warning, "_One word!_"

He opened his mouth again anyway and said, "I sensed your anger, Master. I sensed your murderous rage. You wanted..." he paused, his voice becoming almost excited, "You wanted to rip and tear, to hit something and feel it give way under your blows. And now I know why. Do you want me to kill someone for you?"

_Walter!_Integra couldn't help crying out in her mind. Alucard's scarlet eyes widened and he nodded sagely as he heard his young master's thoughts.

"I understand," he said, "He'd deserve it, making you dress up like, quite literally, a bitc-"

"Alright-alright!" Integra yelped, not wanting him to go on and just make the whole truth of it more painful. "Just get out of here. I don't think I want to see you for the rest of the evening."

Alucard didn't do too well of a job of sounding hurt as he asked, "But don't you want me to help you?"

Integra turned from the door she'd been about to walk out of, "What?"

"I can't stop Walter from doing this without causing someone horrible injury," he grinned at the thought, "So the next best thing is to help you with your costume."

Integra thought about it for a minute, then slowly closed her bedroom door. Alucard stood and stepped off her wall, and as he approached her, she warned him, "If you make me look like an idiot, I'll order you to come with me dressed as a butterfly princess."

Alucard chuckled darkly.

--

Walter stood at the bottom of the grand staircase, tapping his foot with crossed arms in the way that was universally understood as _Hurry the hell up, dammit!_

Finally, his face broke into a relieved sigh as he saw Integra approaching from down the hallway. But when he saw what she was wearing, he gaped and had to fix his monocle from falling out.

Integra was...she wasn't wearing one of the costumes _he'd_ picked out...but where the hell had she gotten _that_?!

Her long legs were wrapped up in black fishnet pantyhose, with sharp high-heels that had glistening silver buckles on them in the shape of crosses. She was wearing an onyx tutu that was a bit too far above her knees for Walter to feel comfortable. Her golden hair was brought up and piled atop her head, intricately shaped and with several silver chains entwined with the blond locks. Nestled behind her ears (which bored beautiful dangling earings the color of quicksilver) was a headband that connected to a headdress carefully positioned in front of her hair. It was almost like a tiarra, with silver framework, tiny black roses, sapphires, and a blood red ruby set in the middle. Her lips were the same shade of red, and her brilliant blue eyes were free of glasses.

Walter was getting freaked out, and the other girl who followed Integra didn't help.

Her straight hair was so black that it glistened like raven wings, rainbows dancing across the long strands. She wore a fur cap that matched her great white coat, and a white suit she wore beneath that. The only other color penetrating the garment was a blood red tie that perfectly matched the vermilion of her eyes.

Walter looked from one to the other for about two minutes, both the girls just sort of stood there and looked smug, and finally he stuttered, "I-Integra? Alu...Alucard?! What the hell are you two doing?!"

"Well," Integra's voice issued from the mouth of Girlycard, making Walter's monocle actually fall this time, "Alucard decided to take me trick-or-treating instead."

"So," Alucard's male voice rumbled from Integra's body, blatantly delighted, "You can stay here and hand out candy to all the little maggots that come to the door."

"I'll be home by ten thirty or something," said as the two girls descended the stairs.

Walter numbly stepped out of their way, semi-stupid with shock. They were walking side-by-side toward the door, black beside white, gold beside midnight. The butler noticed that Alucard's Jackal and Cassul were stuffed into the white coat pockets, and he couldn't help but weakly think _Well done..._

--

As the two of them strolled down the front walk, Girlycard- or rather, Integra- turned to Integra- erm...Alucard- and said, "So you used to be a girl?"

"In case you haven't noticed, Master," he was shaping his voice to change into that of a teenage girl, "I can change my appearance at will."

"But this is _genders_ we're talking about here," she insisted teasingly.

"Say nothing."

"...Maybe I should start calling you Girlycard!"

Alucard looked at her, his face unimpressed, bored, and vaguely mutinous. Integra took the hint and straightened her tie, "Right. Best get started then."

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!

--

That's right! I'm still alive! YAY! Sorry, but I had to get my jaw broken, and I'm wearing headgear, and I have a panda sticker on my forhead. So there.

Next is...GUY FAWKES DAY!! It's sort of like the UK's version of the fourth of July, or so I've been told :D

Gonna have fun with fireworks and some burnin' effigies!!...or _is_ it an effigy? :o

It's Guy Fawkes Day, I had this planned out ever since BigKwell pointed it out to me that the UK doesn't have the fourth of July. So, yea there ya have it, Alucard's gonna have some fun!


	15. Halloween Part 2

For Metropolis Kid, because even though you didn't complain, you made me feel guilty because you said you wanted to see more trick-or-treating. And now I still feel guilty because there's not much in this chapter, but if you say anything, I know a guy who knows a guy who's cousins with this guy's ex-wife's brother's great-aunt twice removed, and he knows the current Hellsing heir. I'll call in a favor, and Alucard will find you. He'll eat your fridge and all your fiber. Then you'll be hungry and constipated. Ha.

(to my other readers: I'm sorry if that dedication disturbed you)

(to Metropolis Kid: Ya know I love ya (cookie)

--

Alucard, still sporting the form of a sexy ballerina Integra, brushed a bit of invisible lint off his tutu and shifted the sack of candy slung over his shoulder. Integra glanced at him with her crimson Girlycard eyes, struggling under her own candy-laden bag.

Alucard being Alucard, and Integra being Integra, a simple expedition to retrieve sack-loads of hard and/or chewy, artificially colored, sugary sweets had turned into a race to the finish.

For once in his unlife, Alucard was playing fair. He had his natural speed, of course, and Integra as Girlycard could run faster than she ever had before. A notion occured suddenly to Integra, and she turned to look at Alucard with sly red eyes.

"Alucard," she said slowly, a grin building on her face, "haven't you realized yet?"

He turned and smirked at her. That trademark leer of his didn't look right on _her_ face.

"Realize what, my Master?"

"That you can't eat any of the candy you just spent three hours collecting. Not a single toffee."

The smirk slid off his face and his steps slowed. Integra couldn't help it: she laughed. Alucard looked at her strangly as she laughed so hard she had to catch her white fur cap before it fell off. It was a Girlycard laugh, high-pitched and mocking.

"Th-the look on your f-f-face!" she spluttered. "Priceless!"

Alucard waited until his young master was done jeering at him, but she stretched it out a bit, and by the time she had the hiccups Alucard had had enough.

"Master," he said sweetly in Integra's voice, "does this dress fit all right?"

"Yea, it looks alright...Why?"

"It feels a bit..." he grinned, "_small._"

"What're you talking about, it looks...fine..." Her voice died away as the tutu Alucard was wearing began to shrink. It became smaller and smaller until she started to feel self-concious even though it was just her vampiric servant in her form. Either way, it was creepy.

"Alucard!" she finally cried, then said firmly, "Stop that. Stop it now, and that's an order!"

Alucard stopped and casually brushed more invisible lint off the black ruffles of his tutu, his face carefully expressionless. But then his hands began to move. It was slowly at first, and as they walked Integra almost let her guard down and forgot to keep an eye on him. By the time she finally glanced in his direction, his hands were already sneaking down through the black ruffles toward her over-exposed legs.

"Alucard!" she yelped, instinctively giving him a hard shove that barely made him miss a step. "Stop it! Stop it! You perverted vampire servant, stop!"

Alucard's hands imediatly stilled and withdrew from his dress, and the tutu even filled out a little more, covering what she didn't want to be seen by those stupid boys teepeeing the house across the street. He put his hand over his chest and bent at the waist in a little bow.

"My apologies, Master," he said formally, and continued walking. They were going home.

Integra relaxed at the almost sincere tone of her vampire's voice, by the key word here is _almost_. He didn't remove the hand from his chest, and Integra froze in her tracks as she saw his fingers wiggle in an experimental squeaze. She could tell he was looking at her, but she was frozen solid, her red eyes wide, her mouth hanging open.

It was then that her Girlycard side kicked in.

With a battle-cry, she whipped out Alucard's Cassul and Jackal and open-fired, ripping open his candy-bag with close-range silver bullets. His blood splattered the sidewalk, and the boys across the street screamed and ran, leaving their toilet paper behind. Integra exhausted all of Alucard's rounds before hissing through gritted, elongated fangs, "Never. Ever. Touch. Me. Ever!!"

Alucard was too busy trying to get his entrails sorted out to make a sarcastic remark. He nodded and his body suddenly became his usual form again. He was stuffing his liver into his ribcage for safe-keeping because most of that candy had followed the bullets and now was glistening with his blood. Candy inside of a vampire's body doesn't have positive results for the vampire, as a general rule.

It turned out that when you mix 3 Musketeers and undead blood, you get an extremely sweet, extremely sticky substance the color of bile. Alucard was not a happy vampire that year, because on the way home he couldn't heal, so Integra suggested the only thing available at the time.

He nearly shot the stifled grin off Walter's not-as-old-as-it-is-at-the-present-time face when he came home wrapped in toilet paper from that house across the street. He spent the rest of All-Hallows-Eve sitting on the lid of his coffin, picking colorfully wrapped candies out of his tangled guts.

--

It's not as good as I thought it would be, and I really wanted to show some trick-or-treating, or at least have Alucard teepee or egg someone's house, but school started and I got my headgear off and my laptop got a virus so nyea. Guy Fawke's Day is next! Splee! And I know that's what I said last chapter (minus the splee, I think) but this time I promise. No one complain about this chapter or I'll take longer on purpose because it's my birthday this Tuesday and you'd all better review for it or I'll find you and eat your face.

(waits for a moment)

(splodes)

Oh, and when Integra said "Priceless!" I thought of a really bad joke.

Priceless.

For everything else, there's Master (alu)Card

From the Master Card commercials. I told you it was a bad one.

Be careful sending me requests nowdays, because as you can probably tell, I've become really slow with the updates. With school starting and all that, I don't have as much time to waste. Not that that stopped me from drawing a 27 page cartoon over the period of two school days. I only drew three pages at home.

That's right. Be jealous. Make Reviews, Not Flames! (gir flies by)


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